Monday, April 29, 2013

It's Just Emotions, Taking Me Over

For the record: I am fully aware that being single doesn't mean I have to find someone. I'm fine by myself, but call me crazy, I daydream about love. A lot. I blame Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan movies.

I whipped out my old journals a couple weeks ago and did a little reading.

Guess what I discovered?

1) I dated some douche bags in my day, and 2) I have learned very little in the last few years when it comes to controlling my emotions.

Here I was, thinking my two-year relationship taught me all kinds of lessons and that I would come out of it older and wiser. Nothing could phase me. I was a new and improved Trace - no need to chase boys and get all hot and bothered when I like one. Just focus on me and call it good.


I'm still that same hopeless romantic that gets excited over the littlest of possibilities. I can't "play it cool" (whatever that means) and just let things happen. I think I just need to accept that I'm the kind of girl who is a grown woman yet I still get butterflies and feel 15 again.

This is the problem with dating. Being single leaves this unknown where, theoretically, the next person that you talk to could be your future mate. I know it's ridiculous to think like that, and trust me, it was an awesome feeling to quiet that "partner hunt" part of my brain these last two years. It's a secure feeling to not have to "look" for someone - you're all set, and you don't have to worry about having someone call you, like you, date you, take you out, etc.

With that security gone, I'm thrown back into being 23 again. Oh, and wasn't that a joy the first time around! I hated feeling so vulnerable then - where I felt like any guy that showed an iota of interest in me could single-handedly unravel me. (I know, not very feminist of me. But I couldn't help it!).

Thankfully, I don't give guys that much control over me these days, and I'm pretty sure my douche bag radar is top notch. But there is still that discomfort in being vulnerable again. I want so badly to be calm, cool, collected. Not care. Not let things phase me. But alas - I am a sensitive girl, and following my emotions is how I roll.

Maybe it's not about controlling this part of me, but learning to just roll with it. One of my best girlfriends has always been so supportive of me through the years when I've cried over guys. Instead of telling me to "be strong" and "not let it get to me," she encouraged me to cry it out and feel all of those feelings. It's important to let yourself feel, as uncomfortable as it can be. I guess it just makes me, well, me.

So here I am, trying my best to roll with it. Sure, it consumes so much of my thoughts - to the point where I'm having recurring dreams. And yeah, I've started listening to ridiculous music like "Dream Lover" by Mariah Carey. But hey, that's just me. And one day someone will love the me that I love.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

The Trifecta

A couple weeks ago, the boyfriend and I called it quits.

Friends and family have been so sweet, asking if I'm OK and checking in on me periodically. You'd think after ending a two-year relationship, I'd be in pretty bad shape.

Maybe it's because I've done this before or because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I'm surprisingly handling it very well. It was hard right after, but I was following my gut, and you can't go wrong with that.

So many times when things have ended for me, I go into a downward spiral where I'm equal parts sad/angry/bitter/jaded. But no matter how many failed relationships/dating experiences I've had, I'm more hopeful and optimistic than ever. I know everything will work out, whether I'm alone or with someone. All of my experiences have led me to this - a place where I know now, more than ever, what I want.

I want a love where I follow my heart, my head and my gut. The trifecta.

The guy I dated a few years ago was a time when I really followed my heart. I felt like I was going to burst at the seams whenever I was around him - I was giddy and hopelessly into him. As pathetic as it sounds, I used to whisper "I love you" to him in the middle of the night when he slept, just so I could get it out and say it. We never exchanged those words, but I desperately wanted to. So naturally, I told him when he was unconscious.

Trouble there was that I didn't follow my gut with this one. My gut told me time and time again he didn't reciprocate my feelings, but I thought over time that would magically change. It didn't.

With my most recent relationship, I opted to follow my head. It made sense for us to be together - we have mutual family/friend connections, grew up in the same area, and he definitely thought I was the bee's knees. He felt about me exactly how I wanted the last guy to feel. So it made sense to be with someone who treated me right and who I could be myself around.

Of course I loved him and feel like we had a good relationship - only thing missing was my heart. My heart was not into it 100%, and that is not fair. He wasn't completely happy, and neither was I. On paper, it made sense for us to be together. But that's not ever a reason to be with someone. So we mutually ended it, which I know was the right thing to do.

I haven't lost hope that the right person is around the corner. I want those butterflies, I want him to feel the same about me, I want us to want the same things, I want us to just "get" each other and feel happy together. And most of all, I want to feel it in my heart, head and gut.