I used to be the biggest hopeless romantic this side of the Mississippi. A true product of the Disney princess era, I fantasized that my love life was destined to turn out like all of those pop songs promised.
And then I woke the hell up.
It wasn't that long ago that I held certain beliefs about love and romance. I believed love would cast a spell on me and magically make life brighter, better and more worthwhile. This isn't to say love can't make life better (hell, I'm sure those feelings make you feel higher than a kite) - I just don't think being in love solves all of life's problems or is the ultimate, holy grail of a goal. And the Beatles lied - all you need is NOT love. It would be nice to have some sanity too, but I don't feel like this love business is really allowing for that.
Who am I kidding? I've never really been in love, so I'm no expert. I've loved people, but I've never had that definite this-could-be-something relationship with a guy. Sure, I was infatuated in high school like every 16 year old, and yes, my college relationship had me going crazy there for a bit. Post-college relationship was more like going on a third date for about 8 months straight. But none of it felt like real love.
I bring this up because I recently found out a good friend of mine discovered her boyfriend of a few months is actually married. And just a few days after this heartbreaking revelation, she wants to work things out with him.
After witnessing an infidelity issue in my family a few months ago, this is a touchy subject with me. Not to mention, I'm no stranger to watching people I care about let their significant others treat them like shit, justifying it along the way.
It's frustrating to watch, and it's even harder to be a good friend and act happy when things are "resolved." I know it's their business, but when someone I love is hurt, *I* am hurt as well.
The main justification these people seem to have for why they put up with it is that 4-letter word: love. Call me crazy, but love shouldn't hurt. It's not love when someone completely F's you over. If "love" is what these people suffer from, then count me out. To me, it seems "love" makes you stupid.
I can only say that my limited serious-relationship experience has not taught me what love is - it's taught me what love isn't.
Love isn't lying to someone repeatedly
Love isn't physically or emotionally abusing someone
Love isn't cheating on someone
Love isn't living a double life and hiding it
Love isn't a physical attraction
Love isn't drama
Again, I'm not an expert at defining what real love is, but anyone with common sense would agree with my above statements. It seems like people who claim to be so in love are equivalent to drunk people - when you're sober, you tell yourself you would never do x, y or z, and yet when you're wasted, x, y and z all seem like good, rational ideas.
News flash: good relationships don't normally start off rocky and magically work out, as every romantic comedy would like us to believe. Sure, there are road bumps and issues that arise, but it doesn't have to be this big, drawn-out drama with obstacles the size of Alaska in order for it to be true, passionate love.
I really hope all of us, including my dear friends and family, will eventually sober up and stop allowing selfish assholes to get away with douche baggery. I'm not innocent when it comes to putting up with a certain degree of assholeness, but in my defense, I was either in high school or the offense was nowhere as egregious as these latest betrayals I've witnessed. I'm stating right here and now that if any guy ever screws me over that badly, I need to leave pronto. Please shake me furiously if I somehow become one of these pod people who are blinded by so-called love.
My only thought on what real love is - it's probably a lot more boring than we thought. Unfortunately, writing a pop song about love being run-of-the-mill and ho-hum just doesn't seem like the way to sell records.
P.S. This post isn't meant to come off cynical, and I don't think all people who are in love are what I would classify as these pod people. I'm just pointing out those who let love rule their lives and get in the way of their better judgment - they prefer that wild rollercoaster of emotions as opposed to a steady, sustained, rational relationship (maybe because that's too dull, I guess?)
I still believe in love and know that it will happen to me. I'm just more pragmatic about it now because that initial excitement and honeymoon phase we all experience in the beginning eventually wears off, and before you know it, you're annoyed by the guy's TV shows dominating the DVR queue and missing the days when you could sprawl out in bed and not worry about taking up too much space.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Value of a Good Friend
I've always considered myself pretty lucky in the friend department. I don't have 8 million friends, but rather a small group of quality, thoughtful people.
And then many of them disappoint me all at once because they apparently all got the memo that it was Asshole Day, and I did not.
Things today are much better than they were, but the other day was probably one of the worst I've had in a long while. I know we all have misunderstandings or tense moments with our compadres, but all at once was just plain shitty.
Basically, I've learned that good friends don't pick small fights with you via text like we're in high school. Good friends don't choose their boyfriends over you. Good friends don't flat-out criticize things you like in order to boost their self-esteem. And good friends don't put you at the end of their priority list because they're too busy concentrating on themselves.
My friend Nicole came to visit me this weekend, and it was just what I needed. We did nothing but just talk and eat great food. She hasn't been feeling well lately, and she lives more than 2 hours away, yet she drove all the way out to see lil' ol' me for less than 24 hours. Now that is true dedication! I appreciate effort like that, and I wish more people were better about keeping their word.
No matter how often I get mistreated by friends, I still feel solace in the fact that my sister will always be there. Talk about the definition of a best friend! Yes, she's my blood so she's stuck with me, but we choose to be friends beyond siblings. She is someone who has my back no matter what - she doesn't ever make me feel bad about myself, and she makes me feel like an important part of her life. There's no one I love more than my sister!!!
On a side note - anyone else notice I'm losing my mojo when it comes to blogging? I haven't felt on my A-game in awhile, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because I might care a little too much about what people think. As I write my blogs, I constantly wonder what so-and-so will think of it or if I'll piss someone off. I don't want to let that hold me back anymore, so I'm going to try from here on out to write more honestly. And I really do want to keep my entries more positive too. It's easy for me to bitch, yes, but I don't want to keep being a whiny baby every time I write. I'll work on it!
And then many of them disappoint me all at once because they apparently all got the memo that it was Asshole Day, and I did not.
Things today are much better than they were, but the other day was probably one of the worst I've had in a long while. I know we all have misunderstandings or tense moments with our compadres, but all at once was just plain shitty.
Basically, I've learned that good friends don't pick small fights with you via text like we're in high school. Good friends don't choose their boyfriends over you. Good friends don't flat-out criticize things you like in order to boost their self-esteem. And good friends don't put you at the end of their priority list because they're too busy concentrating on themselves.
My friend Nicole came to visit me this weekend, and it was just what I needed. We did nothing but just talk and eat great food. She hasn't been feeling well lately, and she lives more than 2 hours away, yet she drove all the way out to see lil' ol' me for less than 24 hours. Now that is true dedication! I appreciate effort like that, and I wish more people were better about keeping their word.
No matter how often I get mistreated by friends, I still feel solace in the fact that my sister will always be there. Talk about the definition of a best friend! Yes, she's my blood so she's stuck with me, but we choose to be friends beyond siblings. She is someone who has my back no matter what - she doesn't ever make me feel bad about myself, and she makes me feel like an important part of her life. There's no one I love more than my sister!!!
On a side note - anyone else notice I'm losing my mojo when it comes to blogging? I haven't felt on my A-game in awhile, and I'm not sure why. I think it's because I might care a little too much about what people think. As I write my blogs, I constantly wonder what so-and-so will think of it or if I'll piss someone off. I don't want to let that hold me back anymore, so I'm going to try from here on out to write more honestly. And I really do want to keep my entries more positive too. It's easy for me to bitch, yes, but I don't want to keep being a whiny baby every time I write. I'll work on it!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Mean Girls
When I was younger, I used to run to my mom and tell her when other girls at school were being mean to me. Most of the pejoratives thrown my way were people calling me a "goody-goody" or "teacher's pet." She suggested that maybe these girls were just jealous of me. This might have been the case, although I doubt anyone was green with envy when I came to school with a sun blister on my face and got called "Bubble Chin" for the rest of the day. Or there was the time someone made fun of my hairy legs in 5th grade. I doubt anyone was secretly wishing they were Teen Wolf.
Now that I'm grown up, I assumed that "mean girl" mentality would fade away, but I've noticed lately that that's not entirely the case. I know a few grown women who are catty as can be, sometimes overtly, other times more concealed. Either way, I can't comprehend why some women still do this to other women - we deal with enough coming from men, so why turn on each other?
Most of the time, this "mean girl" stuff is just petty - a snarky comment, a text message with attitude, condescension. I refuse to play into it. That's just not my style. I stopped playing those games when I was in high school. I used to treat my friends more like "frenemies" - girls that I treated like friends to their faces, but behind their backs I trashed them like Joan Rivers. It wasn't until college when I finally opened my eyes to my own behavior - why was I competing against these girls who were my friends instead of rooting for them? Why was I secretly hoping to outdo them or appear superior? There was no good reason for it, so I decided to stop.
Unfortunately, I occasionally run into ladies who get pleasure in trying to bring other women down. These are people I either opt not to associate with or I just keep my distance. My closest friends are people I know have my back - they support me, and I support them. These "mean girls" don't really succeed in making me feel bad about myself. It's more of a reflection of their character rather than mine. And while I don't believe these people are actually jealous of me, I do think their attitudes reflect their own insecurities. A secure and confident person doesn't need to bring someone else down in order to feel good about themselves. That's more of an instant gratification than a solution to good self-esteem.
Of course, I'm not claiming to be perfect or holier than thou. I partake in cattiness here and there, I'll admit. Nevertheless, I generally try my best to avoid getting caught up in full-on drama. Sadly, sometimes the drama finds you.
I don't take it too personal though. Even the most angelic people are the target for mean girls - my mom, for example, got a nasty note written to her by a Filipina woman who thought my mom was stealing her husband (riiiiiiiiight). The woman left an anonymous note for my mom that said she was "a white trash." Gee, I wonder who would write such grammatically incorrect malarkey.
So basically, there's no way everyone we meet in this world will like us. But the least I can do is just ignore the mean girls and take the high road.
Now that I'm grown up, I assumed that "mean girl" mentality would fade away, but I've noticed lately that that's not entirely the case. I know a few grown women who are catty as can be, sometimes overtly, other times more concealed. Either way, I can't comprehend why some women still do this to other women - we deal with enough coming from men, so why turn on each other?
Most of the time, this "mean girl" stuff is just petty - a snarky comment, a text message with attitude, condescension. I refuse to play into it. That's just not my style. I stopped playing those games when I was in high school. I used to treat my friends more like "frenemies" - girls that I treated like friends to their faces, but behind their backs I trashed them like Joan Rivers. It wasn't until college when I finally opened my eyes to my own behavior - why was I competing against these girls who were my friends instead of rooting for them? Why was I secretly hoping to outdo them or appear superior? There was no good reason for it, so I decided to stop.
Unfortunately, I occasionally run into ladies who get pleasure in trying to bring other women down. These are people I either opt not to associate with or I just keep my distance. My closest friends are people I know have my back - they support me, and I support them. These "mean girls" don't really succeed in making me feel bad about myself. It's more of a reflection of their character rather than mine. And while I don't believe these people are actually jealous of me, I do think their attitudes reflect their own insecurities. A secure and confident person doesn't need to bring someone else down in order to feel good about themselves. That's more of an instant gratification than a solution to good self-esteem.
Of course, I'm not claiming to be perfect or holier than thou. I partake in cattiness here and there, I'll admit. Nevertheless, I generally try my best to avoid getting caught up in full-on drama. Sadly, sometimes the drama finds you.
I don't take it too personal though. Even the most angelic people are the target for mean girls - my mom, for example, got a nasty note written to her by a Filipina woman who thought my mom was stealing her husband (riiiiiiiiight). The woman left an anonymous note for my mom that said she was "a white trash." Gee, I wonder who would write such grammatically incorrect malarkey.
So basically, there's no way everyone we meet in this world will like us. But the least I can do is just ignore the mean girls and take the high road.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
She's Baaaaaaaack
My little month hiatus from blogging is over. I also took a break from Facebook and Twitter for a bit too, but now I'm back in action.
Why the break, you ask? I was getting a bit too distracted - as well as overwhelmed - by the online world. I wanted to take time away to see what it was like to not worry about who posted what on their Facebook status update or what I should re-tweet. The break was incredible! I didn't miss my online self one bit, and it allowed me to relax on my week-and-a-half vacation. I've returned feeling replenished, so the break did its job. Plus, I just got the new iPhone so it's a must that I use it to its full potential.
Here is what has been going on as of late:
1) My grandma in San Diego passed away last Wednesday. She was 91. I really feel like life has a way of always working things out because as luck would have it, our family was down in SD on vacation last week. I got to spend crucial time with her after hospice was set up at her house. She was happy and laughing, and the day after she got to see all 5 of her kids surrounding her was when she finally let go and went up to join Grandpa. I was pretty sad at work last Thursday - couldn't focus or get motivated to do anything. Thankfully, I have an amazing co-worker who brought me a card and my favorite candy bar, and she was so supportive. My roomie cheered me up too and kept my mind off of things. I'm feeling much better now, especially since I know she's not in pain anymore.
2) My roommate moved out last Saturday, and I move into my new place this weekend! I'm unbelievably excited because I love living alone and my new place is super cute - it's in a gated condo complex so I won't be living in the hood any longer.
3) I went on vacation, which wasn't as relaxing as I would have hoped, but I had a blast. I first spent a few days in San Francisco with my cousin and sister. That is hands-down my favorite city in the world! We did touristy things, ate amazing food like my favorite pizza and delicious crepes, and we drank at a club on top of a fabulous hotel, hanging with some fun Yahoo! executives. I never wanted to leave! The next leg of vacay was our family reunion on a Mexican cruise from Long Beach to Ensenada. It wasn't exactly what I'd envisioned (whoever said you can't even tell you're on a boat is a LIAR), but it was still so much fun! I sang karaoke, ate some more good food (I even ate dessert for every meal one day), watched a singing/dancing show, went to a comedy routine and had an awesome massage & facial. Lastly, we spent a couple days in San Diego having quality family time. It was very special.
4) I got set up with someone by a lady in my yoga class. This woman randomly came up to me after class and asked if I was married (are you kidding? I look about 13 years old). She told me she wanted to set me up with her son, and she asked for my phone number. Wow, this was a first! His name is Matt, and we've hung out a couple times. He plays in a couple bands and teaches guitar right down the street from me. Very nice guy and super funny. Not sure what will happen in the future, but for now, I'm happy to have made a new friend.
5) Someone special just moved to Sacramento. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know, and I'm so thrilled that we are neighbors now :)
That's basically it! I'm glad to be back to blogging...I sure missed the writing.
Why the break, you ask? I was getting a bit too distracted - as well as overwhelmed - by the online world. I wanted to take time away to see what it was like to not worry about who posted what on their Facebook status update or what I should re-tweet. The break was incredible! I didn't miss my online self one bit, and it allowed me to relax on my week-and-a-half vacation. I've returned feeling replenished, so the break did its job. Plus, I just got the new iPhone so it's a must that I use it to its full potential.
Here is what has been going on as of late:
1) My grandma in San Diego passed away last Wednesday. She was 91. I really feel like life has a way of always working things out because as luck would have it, our family was down in SD on vacation last week. I got to spend crucial time with her after hospice was set up at her house. She was happy and laughing, and the day after she got to see all 5 of her kids surrounding her was when she finally let go and went up to join Grandpa. I was pretty sad at work last Thursday - couldn't focus or get motivated to do anything. Thankfully, I have an amazing co-worker who brought me a card and my favorite candy bar, and she was so supportive. My roomie cheered me up too and kept my mind off of things. I'm feeling much better now, especially since I know she's not in pain anymore.
2) My roommate moved out last Saturday, and I move into my new place this weekend! I'm unbelievably excited because I love living alone and my new place is super cute - it's in a gated condo complex so I won't be living in the hood any longer.
3) I went on vacation, which wasn't as relaxing as I would have hoped, but I had a blast. I first spent a few days in San Francisco with my cousin and sister. That is hands-down my favorite city in the world! We did touristy things, ate amazing food like my favorite pizza and delicious crepes, and we drank at a club on top of a fabulous hotel, hanging with some fun Yahoo! executives. I never wanted to leave! The next leg of vacay was our family reunion on a Mexican cruise from Long Beach to Ensenada. It wasn't exactly what I'd envisioned (whoever said you can't even tell you're on a boat is a LIAR), but it was still so much fun! I sang karaoke, ate some more good food (I even ate dessert for every meal one day), watched a singing/dancing show, went to a comedy routine and had an awesome massage & facial. Lastly, we spent a couple days in San Diego having quality family time. It was very special.
4) I got set up with someone by a lady in my yoga class. This woman randomly came up to me after class and asked if I was married (are you kidding? I look about 13 years old). She told me she wanted to set me up with her son, and she asked for my phone number. Wow, this was a first! His name is Matt, and we've hung out a couple times. He plays in a couple bands and teaches guitar right down the street from me. Very nice guy and super funny. Not sure what will happen in the future, but for now, I'm happy to have made a new friend.
5) Someone special just moved to Sacramento. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know, and I'm so thrilled that we are neighbors now :)
That's basically it! I'm glad to be back to blogging...I sure missed the writing.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
You Like Me, You Really Like Me
We all have things about ourselves that we don't like. Not physical assets necessarily (those can change, and who really cares what's on the outside?), but those flaws we just can't seem to change about ourselves.
I have this insane need to have everyone like me. Seriously.
This is the reason behind so many things that I do - getting good grades and following rules so teachers like me, being passive aggressive and avoiding confrontation at all costs so that friends like me, forgiving guys much too quickly so that there's no drama or bad blood between us...so that they'll like me.
It's a sick and twisted thing, and I don't know why I'm like this. That's not to say there aren't people out there who don't like me. I can actually think of one or two who don't, and it hasn't made me lose a wink of sleep. But in general, people not seeing me in a positive light is my worst fear.
Maybe this is why I've always been an overachiever in school. And maybe it's why I always cower to dominating people and let them control situations. And I definitely know that it's why I hang on to certain boys longer than necessary.
My friend Nicole called me yesterday, asking for advice on how to get her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone and to not try to be friends with her. I honestly told her that the only way I've gotten guys to flee is to fall for them. Seriously. But it really struck me how strong and adamant she was about putting this guy in her past, no matter how strongly she had felt for him at one time. Why can't I be decisive like that? Why am I always a damn doormat?
I go through phases where I'm really strong and determined, like a couple blogs ago when I talked about quitting my pathetic feelings for someone. This week has not been one of those strong ones. I've become Needy Nelly again, which I really hate. That guy I was going to get over from a couple blogs ago? Yep, still like him. Maybe this whole moving on process is a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing.
Oh, but did I mention that this guy is moving to Sacramento in a week? Yeah, so much for trying to move forward and leave him alone. Now I'm basically forced to still be head over heels for this fool! Damn geography. Instead of telling myself that it's never going to happen between us, I start fantasizing about how things could be now that we'll be in the same town. Do I have zero rationality or what?! Yes, I have clearly regressed, people. I told you I'm bound and determined to get people to like me.
On to other subjects....I put a holding deposit on my new place! It's actually at the old place where I used to live with my old roommates, but in a 1 bedroom. I'm more pumped than a drunken frat boy's stomach!!! Normally, I'm all about function over fashion when it comes to my apartments. But with this place, I'm turning into one of those girls and imagining how I want to decorate it. Maybe it's because I feel more connected to this place and could see myself staying for awhile (no more of this moving every 6 months bullshit). I move in a little over a month, and that truly excites me.
Last night I watched one barn burner of a movie at Marilyn's - "Jennifer's Body." Synopsis: a cheerleader gets sacrificed to the devil but the spell backfires, and she becomes a demon that survives by eating boys. Oh, wow. New definition of a man eater. It was very bizarre, let me tell ya. But hanging with Mare is always the best. We were going to babysit our friend's 9-month-old daughter, which sounded absolutely awesome for a Friday night (and I mean that with 0 sarcasm), but she changed her plans. There's that old lady in me - preferring to babysit rather than go out to the bars to get wasted. That's how I roll!
Today is college football day - love it! Almost time for the Oregon vs. Tennessee game on TV, which is pretty much the only activity I can do given my lack of finances until pay day next week. Go Ducks!
I have this insane need to have everyone like me. Seriously.
This is the reason behind so many things that I do - getting good grades and following rules so teachers like me, being passive aggressive and avoiding confrontation at all costs so that friends like me, forgiving guys much too quickly so that there's no drama or bad blood between us...so that they'll like me.
It's a sick and twisted thing, and I don't know why I'm like this. That's not to say there aren't people out there who don't like me. I can actually think of one or two who don't, and it hasn't made me lose a wink of sleep. But in general, people not seeing me in a positive light is my worst fear.
Maybe this is why I've always been an overachiever in school. And maybe it's why I always cower to dominating people and let them control situations. And I definitely know that it's why I hang on to certain boys longer than necessary.
My friend Nicole called me yesterday, asking for advice on how to get her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone and to not try to be friends with her. I honestly told her that the only way I've gotten guys to flee is to fall for them. Seriously. But it really struck me how strong and adamant she was about putting this guy in her past, no matter how strongly she had felt for him at one time. Why can't I be decisive like that? Why am I always a damn doormat?
I go through phases where I'm really strong and determined, like a couple blogs ago when I talked about quitting my pathetic feelings for someone. This week has not been one of those strong ones. I've become Needy Nelly again, which I really hate. That guy I was going to get over from a couple blogs ago? Yep, still like him. Maybe this whole moving on process is a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing.
Oh, but did I mention that this guy is moving to Sacramento in a week? Yeah, so much for trying to move forward and leave him alone. Now I'm basically forced to still be head over heels for this fool! Damn geography. Instead of telling myself that it's never going to happen between us, I start fantasizing about how things could be now that we'll be in the same town. Do I have zero rationality or what?! Yes, I have clearly regressed, people. I told you I'm bound and determined to get people to like me.
On to other subjects....I put a holding deposit on my new place! It's actually at the old place where I used to live with my old roommates, but in a 1 bedroom. I'm more pumped than a drunken frat boy's stomach!!! Normally, I'm all about function over fashion when it comes to my apartments. But with this place, I'm turning into one of those girls and imagining how I want to decorate it. Maybe it's because I feel more connected to this place and could see myself staying for awhile (no more of this moving every 6 months bullshit). I move in a little over a month, and that truly excites me.
Last night I watched one barn burner of a movie at Marilyn's - "Jennifer's Body." Synopsis: a cheerleader gets sacrificed to the devil but the spell backfires, and she becomes a demon that survives by eating boys. Oh, wow. New definition of a man eater. It was very bizarre, let me tell ya. But hanging with Mare is always the best. We were going to babysit our friend's 9-month-old daughter, which sounded absolutely awesome for a Friday night (and I mean that with 0 sarcasm), but she changed her plans. There's that old lady in me - preferring to babysit rather than go out to the bars to get wasted. That's how I roll!
Today is college football day - love it! Almost time for the Oregon vs. Tennessee game on TV, which is pretty much the only activity I can do given my lack of finances until pay day next week. Go Ducks!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Riding Solo
When I first lived alone, I actually Googled what the name of the phobia was for being alone.
Autophobia.
I thought I had that for awhile there. My first time living alone was in the Bay Area - 15 miles south of San Francisco, to be exact. I had a 6-month internship in the Financial District, and since finding a suitable living situation in the city is about as likely as finding substance in a Steven Seagal movie, I opted (thanks to my oh-so-generous parents) to live in an apartment outside the city with a short-term lease.
It was thrilling those first few weeks of the internship - taking BART by myself, dressing up for my first professional job, oogling at the amazing sites of downtown, coming home to my own sanctuary. But then reality set in.
I was truly alone.
About two months into the internship, I stopped sleeping. I'd never had issues in the slumber department before, so this was odd. There were nights where I literally didn't get a wink of sleep. It made for some hellish days at work, that's for sure. It got so bad that I actually begged my dad to come rescue me. I thought him staying over would help, but I still couldn't get to bed. So Dad took me the four-hour trip home to Nevada to catch up on sleep and go see his doctor. I cried almost the entire way there and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown (a week without sleep will do that to you).
And what do you know? Before I even saw the doctor, I stayed the night at my parents' and slept like a baby.
The doc ended up giving me a low-dosage sleeping aid, which was a God send. It got me back on track and eventually I didn't need to take them anymore. I haven't had a problem since.
Looking back, I think the whole living alone - and truly alone because I didn't know a single soul in that town - was what caught up with me. I would look forward to every Friday because it meant the weekend was here. I'd get home, watch the one NetFlix movie I'd gotten in the mail and then pray that Monday would come faster so I'd have human interaction. My romantic relationship had fallen apart, and I no longer spoke with my best friend at that time. It was pure isolation, and it made me realize how severe a punishment solitary confinement must be. I was out of my mind.
Thankfully, my loneliness didn't last long when I moved to Sacramento almost 3 years ago. Now, I've made a life for myself here - I have family, great friends, a job I love and loads of hobbies. And I'm never truly alone, thanks to my cat Cammie. There are plenty of days where I feel lonely and isolated, wishing that someone - anyone - would talk to and acknowledge me. Some days sitting at home watching TV after going to the gym and running my errands is just plain ol' boring. But those moments eventually pass, and I feel happy again.
I bring this all up because I'm embarking on another solo mission next month - living alone once more. I did this a few months ago before moving in with Erica, and now that our lease is up, we're headed our separate ways. I have enjoyed living with Erica, more than I even expected. But I do look forward to having my own place again and keeping it just the way I like. And even though sometimes I feel isolated and sad, I know I'm never really alone, not for long anyway.
Autophobia.
I thought I had that for awhile there. My first time living alone was in the Bay Area - 15 miles south of San Francisco, to be exact. I had a 6-month internship in the Financial District, and since finding a suitable living situation in the city is about as likely as finding substance in a Steven Seagal movie, I opted (thanks to my oh-so-generous parents) to live in an apartment outside the city with a short-term lease.
It was thrilling those first few weeks of the internship - taking BART by myself, dressing up for my first professional job, oogling at the amazing sites of downtown, coming home to my own sanctuary. But then reality set in.
I was truly alone.
About two months into the internship, I stopped sleeping. I'd never had issues in the slumber department before, so this was odd. There were nights where I literally didn't get a wink of sleep. It made for some hellish days at work, that's for sure. It got so bad that I actually begged my dad to come rescue me. I thought him staying over would help, but I still couldn't get to bed. So Dad took me the four-hour trip home to Nevada to catch up on sleep and go see his doctor. I cried almost the entire way there and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown (a week without sleep will do that to you).And what do you know? Before I even saw the doctor, I stayed the night at my parents' and slept like a baby.
The doc ended up giving me a low-dosage sleeping aid, which was a God send. It got me back on track and eventually I didn't need to take them anymore. I haven't had a problem since.
Looking back, I think the whole living alone - and truly alone because I didn't know a single soul in that town - was what caught up with me. I would look forward to every Friday because it meant the weekend was here. I'd get home, watch the one NetFlix movie I'd gotten in the mail and then pray that Monday would come faster so I'd have human interaction. My romantic relationship had fallen apart, and I no longer spoke with my best friend at that time. It was pure isolation, and it made me realize how severe a punishment solitary confinement must be. I was out of my mind.
Thankfully, my loneliness didn't last long when I moved to Sacramento almost 3 years ago. Now, I've made a life for myself here - I have family, great friends, a job I love and loads of hobbies. And I'm never truly alone, thanks to my cat Cammie. There are plenty of days where I feel lonely and isolated, wishing that someone - anyone - would talk to and acknowledge me. Some days sitting at home watching TV after going to the gym and running my errands is just plain ol' boring. But those moments eventually pass, and I feel happy again.
I bring this all up because I'm embarking on another solo mission next month - living alone once more. I did this a few months ago before moving in with Erica, and now that our lease is up, we're headed our separate ways. I have enjoyed living with Erica, more than I even expected. But I do look forward to having my own place again and keeping it just the way I like. And even though sometimes I feel isolated and sad, I know I'm never really alone, not for long anyway.
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