Suspicious Minds

There's this weird paradox about me - I'm fairly gullible and like to believe that everyone is inherently good, yet I question people's intentions and motives all the time.

I think the gullible/optimistic side of me usually kicks in when it shouldn't - i.e. I put up with more shit than I should. This is why I've always stayed friends with people I dislike longer than is necessary and why I date for too long/cry over/dwell on guys who genuinely don't appreciate me. I'm always trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, continuing to hope that one day they'll see the light and realize how great I am.

But then there's my questioning side. The side where when someone does something nice, I immediately wonder, "OK, what's the catch?" This usually just pertains to guys and is likely a result of boys constantly disappointing me.

Recently, a guy friend of mine asked me out. I thought it was just a friendly thing at first, but then I got some date vibes - he picked me up, he let me pick the dinner place, he insisted on paying.

Sure, it's nice to hang out with fun people, but I can't help but wonder what this all means. So far, my theories range from he's bored, he's lonely, he's looking for action, he only hangs out with all guys and I'm the closest female in range.

I definitely have gotten a major hint that he's interested in more than just friendship - he talks a lot about all these things he wants us to do together, and then he asked me out again - and insisted on paying again! OK, seriously. What is the deal with timing? The guy I want doesn't know I'm alive, and a guy that I'm just friends with is putting on all the right moves. UGH!!!!!

I quickly realized that I need to break my old patterns. No more of this pining over someone who's unavailable while someone else is making an effort to spend time with me. I've done this before, and look where it got me - taking that making-an-effort guy for granted and then crying over missing him a year later! Cupid is one messed up individual the way he operates.

I'm not sure where this whole thing will go. And frankly, I don't want to think about the future. I just want to live in the present, enjoy what's right in front me and appreciate the people in my life who actually make the effort to stay in it.

And the main thing I want is to stop caring. I'm so sick of giving people free rent in my head and dwelling on things that I have no control over. It's exhausting. I know that I'm a good person and have a lot to offer, so if someone thinks I'm expendable, then AMF.

In other news, it's a 3-day weekend! Today was great - I woke up bright and early, did a new conditioning class at the gym, laid out by my pool and swam, and tonight I'm headed over to my best friend Marilyn's house to watch a movie. And tomorrow is 4th of July!!! Basically the bulk of my dad's side of the family is gathering at my grandma's, just like old times. I am more than pumped! I've got my patriotic outfit all picked out - my Obama "I Stand By The President" shirt! It is legit.

The weekend will then be completed with my sister and I turning into 'tweens and seeing "Eclipse." I saw it the day it came out, and I have to say, it disappointed me. The action scenes were great, but the drama was a bit over-the-top (I know, I know. It's Twilight, for Christ's sake). Maybe I had an epiphany and realized I'm too old and cynical for that shit right now. Watching a plain, boring girl win the heart of a sexy vamp is just irritating. And I hate to be a traitor because I really liked the books, but maybe this most recent film didn't do it for me because it was my least favorite book from the series.

Either way, my sis hasn't seen it, and maybe seeing it again will change my mind. Plus, I wouldn't mind seeing the shirtless werewolf and sparkly Edward again :)

Anyway, I'm excited for this time to relax. There's nothing better than being with my family. Happy Independence Day!