Sunday, September 12, 2010

Blog Break

I've decided to take a break from blogging for awhile.

I'll be back soon!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

You Like Me, You Really Like Me

We all have things about ourselves that we don't like. Not physical assets necessarily (those can change, and who really cares what's on the outside?), but those flaws we just can't seem to change about ourselves.

I have this insane need to have everyone like me. Seriously.

This is the reason behind so many things that I do - getting good grades and following rules so teachers like me, being passive aggressive and avoiding confrontation at all costs so that friends like me, forgiving guys much too quickly so that there's no drama or bad blood between that they'll like me.

It's a sick and twisted thing, and I don't know why I'm like this. That's not to say there aren't people out there who don't like me. I can actually think of one or two who don't, and it hasn't made me lose a wink of sleep. But in general, people not seeing me in a positive light is my worst fear.

Maybe this is why I've always been an overachiever in school. And maybe it's why I always cower to dominating people and let them control situations. And I definitely know that it's why I hang on to certain boys longer than necessary.

My friend Nicole called me yesterday, asking for advice on how to get her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone and to not try to be friends with her. I honestly told her that the only way I've gotten guys to flee is to fall for them. Seriously. But it really struck me how strong and adamant she was about putting this guy in her past, no matter how strongly she had felt for him at one time. Why can't I be decisive like that? Why am I always a damn doormat?

I go through phases where I'm really strong and determined, like a couple blogs ago when I talked about quitting my pathetic feelings for someone. This week has not been one of those strong ones. I've become Needy Nelly again, which I really hate. That guy I was going to get over from a couple blogs ago? Yep, still like him. Maybe this whole moving on process is a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing.

Oh, but did I mention that this guy is moving to Sacramento in a week? Yeah, so much for trying to move forward and leave him alone. Now I'm basically forced to still be head over heels for this fool! Damn geography. Instead of telling myself that it's never going to happen between us, I start fantasizing about how things could be now that we'll be in the same town. Do I have zero rationality or what?! Yes, I have clearly regressed, people. I told you I'm bound and determined to get people to like me.

On to other subjects....I put a holding deposit on my new place! It's actually at the old place where I used to live with my old roommates, but in a 1 bedroom. I'm more pumped than a drunken frat boy's stomach!!! Normally, I'm all about function over fashion when it comes to my apartments. But with this place, I'm turning into one of those girls and imagining how I want to decorate it. Maybe it's because I feel more connected to this place and could see myself staying for awhile (no more of this moving every 6 months bullshit). I move in a little over a month, and that truly excites me.

Last night I watched one barn burner of a movie at Marilyn's - "Jennifer's Body." Synopsis: a cheerleader gets sacrificed to the devil but the spell backfires, and she becomes a demon that survives by eating boys. Oh, wow. New definition of a man eater. It was very bizarre, let me tell ya. But hanging with Mare is always the best. We were going to babysit our friend's 9-month-old daughter, which sounded absolutely awesome for a Friday night (and I mean that with 0 sarcasm), but she changed her plans. There's that old lady in me - preferring to babysit rather than go out to the bars to get wasted. That's how I roll!

Today is college football day - love it! Almost time for the Oregon vs. Tennessee game on TV, which is pretty much the only activity I can do given my lack of finances until pay day next week. Go Ducks!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Riding Solo

When I first lived alone, I actually Googled what the name of the phobia was for being alone.


I thought I had that for awhile there. My first time living alone was in the Bay Area - 15 miles south of San Francisco, to be exact. I had a 6-month internship in the Financial District, and since finding a suitable living situation in the city is about as likely as finding substance in a Steven Seagal movie, I opted (thanks to my oh-so-generous parents) to live in an apartment outside the city with a short-term lease.

It was thrilling those first few weeks of the internship - taking BART by myself, dressing up for my first professional job, oogling at the amazing sites of downtown, coming home to my own sanctuary. But then reality set in.

I was truly alone.

About two months into the internship, I stopped sleeping. I'd never had issues in the slumber department before, so this was odd. There were nights where I literally didn't get a wink of sleep. It made for some hellish days at work, that's for sure. It got so bad that I actually begged my dad to come rescue me. I thought him staying over would help, but I still couldn't get to bed. So Dad took me the four-hour trip home to Nevada to catch up on sleep and go see his doctor. I cried almost the entire way there and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown (a week without sleep will do that to you).

And what do you know? Before I even saw the doctor, I stayed the night at my parents' and slept like a baby.

The doc ended up giving me a low-dosage sleeping aid, which was a God send. It got me back on track and eventually I didn't need to take them anymore. I haven't had a problem since.

Looking back, I think the whole living alone - and truly alone because I didn't know a single soul in that town - was what caught up with me. I would look forward to every Friday because it meant the weekend was here. I'd get home, watch the one NetFlix movie I'd gotten in the mail and then pray that Monday would come faster so I'd have human interaction. My romantic relationship had fallen apart, and I no longer spoke with my best friend at that time. It was pure isolation, and it made me realize how severe a punishment solitary confinement must be. I was out of my mind.

Thankfully, my loneliness didn't last long when I moved to Sacramento almost 3 years ago. Now, I've made a life for myself here - I have family, great friends, a job I love and loads of hobbies. And I'm never truly alone, thanks to my cat Cammie. There are plenty of days where I feel lonely and isolated, wishing that someone - anyone - would talk to and acknowledge me. Some days sitting at home watching TV after going to the gym and running my errands is just plain ol' boring. But those moments eventually pass, and I feel happy again.

I bring this all up because I'm embarking on another solo mission next month - living alone once more. I did this a few months ago before moving in with Erica, and now that our lease is up, we're headed our separate ways. I have enjoyed living with Erica, more than I even expected. But I do look forward to having my own place again and keeping it just the way I like. And even though sometimes I feel isolated and sad, I know I'm never really alone, not for long anyway.