Why DO Men Love Bitches?

This is a book I was so ill-advised to purchase a couple of years ago.

I stopped reading half way through because it was a beyond ridiculous, antiquated and downright offensive excuse for a "self-help" book. Nowhere did I find the reasoning behind the title - I'm still pondering to this day: why DO men love bitches? It should have been called "How to Act Like a Game-Playing, Immature Teenager So You Can Snag the Attention of Misogynistic, Insecure Tools."

I threw the book away (recycled, rather - that crappy book needs to be redeemed somehow!) before my recent move. And today I began to question once more: why do guys tend to stray away from nice girls and flock to the so-called bitches?

And why would any self-respecting woman attempt to downplay her kindness in hopes of attaining the ever-so-precious attention of some one-track minded asshole?

Could I easily be more of a bitch? Absolutely. Could I get a guy to like me? Sure (although, this may be open to interpretation as of late). But honestly, do I really even WANT to be liked by a guy who's sole reason for his initial attraction to me is the way I act unattainable? Is this guy even worth my energy and time? Absolutely not. I want a guy who appreciates nice girls. He may be hard to find, but I have faith they're out there.

And this principle of bitch loving applies to other parts of life, like working relationships, meeting acquaintances and even friendships. Maybe this is just my distorted view, but I always feel like I see inconsiderate people getting what they want in the end. They were "pushy" enough to go for it, so that means they deserve respect and attention at work and in their social lives?

That is ludicrous.

The reason why I'm questioning this so much today is because a recent situation brought this whole bitch-loving nonsense to my attention. Someone I was close to (and treated VERY well) is now adrift from me. This person is, however, still very close to a certain someone who is - all right, I'll just go out and say it - a bitch. The bitch has screwed this person over before, and that person has vowed to me that they will no longer remain as close to that bitch as before.

Yet here we are - that person will not give me the time of day, yet they are as close as ever to this bitch person. I had (obviously erroneously) placed this person on a pedestal and assumed they were more evolved than that; however, I am mistaken. I did nothing wrong to this person, so maybe I need to stoop to this bitch's level in order to be more appealing? Oh, hell freakin' no.

This isn't the first time this person has showed their taste for bitch. This person has an ex who was also quite the brute, and this person still holds that ex in very high esteem, even going so far as to say they miss them and would like to rekindle some semblance of a friendship.

When did being inconsiderate and downright awful become the M.O. for how to be in certain people's lives? It's like thoughtfulness and compassion count for nothing!

I'm not claiming to be perfect - I'm far from it - but I would classify myself as more of a nice, easy-going person than a stubborn, hard-headed one. I know I'm not the only nice person out there, but so many times I feel like I'm a good, caring person surrounded by a screwed up world full of self-serving assholes. When does it pay off to be nice?? Why is it that I get walked on and taken for granted when I try my best to treat others well?

There is some condition in children where they're unable to read others' emotions - like you could be crying in front of the child, and he/she wouldn't understand that something is wrong. I think I have the exact opposite of this condition - I'm reading and observing people non-stop, trying to figure out how best to adapt to their situation and feelings. Always worrying about how they feel and how to best make them feel comfortable. I never want to hurt their feelings, so I do my best to tip-toe around sensitive topics.

It is exhausting.

And yet, I don't know how to be anything but nice. I don't know how to be a bitch (in the definition that the author of that lame ass book came up with). I don't want to be a bitch, either. I just want to be myself and have other people around me give a shit too. I want other people to be more sensitive to my feelings (and when I say other people, I mean the general public and other acquaintances. I have great friends and family!).

Why does it seem sometimes that I'm surrounded by tin men who have no hearts?? Where is the Great and Powerful Oz when you need him!

I've decided it's best that I cut ties with those insensitive and unevolved people who are either bitches themselves or bitch lovers. Why would I want them in my life anyway? It's hurtful to be let down, but all I can do is surround myself with people who encourage me to be just as I am and like me, niceness and all.

The Dangling of the Carrot

This post will probably piss a few people off, namely because I seem to be a masochist when it comes to my emotions. Oh, how I just love the pain.

I hung out with my ex-boyfriend last night.

Yes, yes. I know. The past is the past, and it should stay that way. Why torture myself? It'll just make things harder. I've heard it all - from family, friends, my inner voice. Trust me - I'm completely aware of the repercussions that come with dabbling into old boyfriend territory. Hello! I'm like the poster child for trying to live in the past!

Every person I've dated seriously and then subsequently broken apart from, I always go back, whether I try to get back together with them or attempt to be "friends." There was a period in time when I cut every ex out since it's less baggage, but I think as time goes by, I forget why I'm angry/sad/heartbroken/annoyed with these guys and just let them right back in. And, not to mention, I get over them eventually, so after awhile, being on good terms is not an issue.

In this case, my most current ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. For the bulk of those months, we didn't communicate one bit. That's definitely a change for me since it always takes me a good year to finally cut ties with my exes, as history has shown (my family is quite aware of my yo-yo boyfriend issues).

Well, my effed up computer brought us back onto talking terms when our mutual friend asked him how I should fix it. He offered to take a look, fix it and back up my files for me. At first I thought, "Do I need to compensate him in some way for doing this for me?" I quickly shook off that idea - that fool broke my heart! He can be my permanent free-of-charge computer guy for the rest of my life for that one.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I asked him if I could come pick it up from his house (I didn't want to use our mutual friend as an intermediary any longer - I just wanted my damn computer!). He obliged and explained he'd been avoiding seeing me since he didn't want things to be "awkward" and he didn't know how we should act around each other.

So we finally saw each other for the first time a couple weeks ago. It wasn't weird at all; in fact, we sat and chatted for 2 1/2 hours, just catching up and whatnot. (I know, I can hear the groans coming from you. Yes, I should have just grabbed my crap and bolted, but I'm a masochist, remember?).

After that, we've kept in touch via text message here and there. Then, strangely enough, he said we should hang out so he can come see my new place and maybe we could watch a movie. Don't worry. This was not his attempt to try and rekindle anything, people. I'm not that dillusional. I think he almost feels sorry for me and wants to make amends. He befriends all of his exes, apparently.

So this wasn't an unusual invitation for him. I agreed, which caused some concern from my friends and my mom, who told me it's like he's "dangling a carrot" in front of the horse (the horse being me, naturally). They are all completely right - of course this hang out could potentially set me back 6 months and cause me to regress back to my pathetic, weepy self (to be honest, I'm still pathetic and weepy sometimes even now, but it has improved slightly). I don't know what I was thinking agreeing to this. I guess I just wanted to challenge myself to see if I could handle it. And I vowed that if I couldn't, I would stop this whole "friendship" business ASAP.

Well, the hang out was last night. He came over and we watched some TV while I cooked up some dinner (which was pretty bomb, might I add). Being the Mr. Fix-It he is, he helped me program my air conditioner and stop this annoying pop-up that was coming up on my computer at start-up. He helped me take out the trash and advised me how to fix my new TV stand (I got it from Big Lots, so ghettoness is kind of expected).

Basically, he was just super helpful and nice, which is his personality anyway. I don't want to think that he was doing all this out of pity - I do think he is a genuinely nice guy. Nothing romantic happened at all - it wasn't that kind of hang out. We did hit up Bel Air and get some beers and ice cream (nice combo). We watched a movie until I kind of passed out on the couch, and he left around 1 a.m. (uuugggh, this morning was torture).

Overall, I think I handled it well. We laughed and reminisced about some old jokes, and kept things very platonic, which is weird since we've never been "just friends." I do miss him, I hate to admit, but I'm completely aware of the situation. I had a relationship in my head with him (basically convincing myself that things were completely mutual when they were not), so it's necessary that I stay focused on reality and not get caught up in old feelings.

It sucks, I'll tell ya. It's hard when you know someone who you just think meshes perfectly well with you, yet they see it differently. It's frustrating, and it makes me question relationship dynamics altogether. I haven't lost faith that I'll find mutual love one of these days, though, so until then, I'm just riding the wave of singlehood.

And who knows where the ex and I will go? I'm not sure if we're going to be hanging out on a regular basis or anything, but at least we're on good terms. I can say that about all my exes now, which is weird. And for the record, this horse is just fine without a carrot!

Movin' On Up

I am now officially in my new apartment! What a great sigh of relief. Moving is never easy and my first week of getting settled has had me a tad stressed, but it's SO beyond worth it!

My new place is just splendid - I live across the street from Roseville PD, so that's a nice comfort. My unit is on the corner, so I don't have too many neighbors. The carpet is new, I got an accent wall painted in the living room and best of all - I pick up a full connection of wireless Internet in my unit! Now let's hope whoever is supplying that doesn't move out anytime soon.

Moving went really well, thanks to the handy help of my dad and sister. It only took 2 hours! Well, I don't have much to my name, so that could be why.

I finally got my cable hooked up today, which is a relief because I've been feeling a little out of touch with the "real" world! This week I missed some of my favorite shows - "Tool Academy," "More to Love" season finale & "The Office"! Thank the Lord for Hulu though.

I do admit, living alone is an adjustment. I've done it before, when I lived in the Bay Area, but I still had a momentary episode of freaking out where I admit I shed a few tears. I know, I know. I should be a grown up now, but I just a little overwhelmed with loneliness for a moment there. Oh, how cable TV and DVR should solve that problem :)

In other news, my trip to the East Coast a couple weeks ago was absolutely wonderful! Seeing my old friends was crazy because it was like no time had passed at all. We spent one day in Washington D.C., exploring some of the sites, taking in the Museum of American History and the Holocaust Museum (ah-maz-ing).

I just love the East Coast (minus that horrid humidity). It all feels so old to me, and it makes me truly appreciate our history and our country. Being in Obama's neighborhood was a trip! The last time I was in D.C., Bill Clinton was president. So it's nice that I skipped that awful Bush era that I know most of us (level-headed) citizens would prefer to forget.

Another day we drove over to Baltimore, and yes, I annoyed the hell out of my friends by singing the opening number from "Hairspray" -- "Good Morning, Baltimore" -- all day. We saw Edgar Allan Poe's grave site, which was cool for me because I remember learning about it in 11th grade English. Apparently, an unidentified man visits the grave every year on Poe's birthday (coming up next month!) and leaves a red rose and bottle of cognac. Anyway, he's not buried there now, which confused me, but it was still neat to see a historic place since he grew up in Baltimore.

We walked around the Inner Harbor and then visited the National Aquarium. Maybe I'm spoiled because I've been to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, but this one in Baltimore was not as cool as I'd thought it would be. We were there at closing, so maybe that's why - we weren't able to see all of the cool stuff there (like a 4-D dolphin experience) and whatnot. Although, what is 4-D? Real life?

Anyway, the trip was awesome, and we want to do another reunion next year, probably in LA. Can't wait!

In other news, my best friend Christina is coming to visit me for the weekend. She should be here in about 2.5 hours! I think tonight we're going out for drinks downtown and then shopping tomorrow. I only plan on buying work shoes since that's a necessity. Anything more and then I'm pushing it. Gotta save up for vacation in San Diego in a week!

Why I Lean Blue

I have yet to broach the topic of politics on my blog, which is surprising since I would consider myself a fairly political person. So here it is - my first, of probably many, political rants and raves.

Everyone who knows me is aware that I'm a Democrat and support President Obama (love him!). Most of my family on my dad's side is pretty much in line with my left-of-center ways, but somehow I always seem to find myself surrounded by the apathetic and very right-wing.

Maybe this is because I'm no longer in the Bay Area or Eugene, Oregon (a.k.a. a mini version of Berkeley), and maybe because I live in the suburbs. Sacramento is vastly Democratic, but on the outskirts here in Roseville and other areas of Placer County, I am surrounded by red.

This isn't new to me since I experienced half my childhood in the quaint town of Gardnerville, Nevada, where some people's minds were almost as small as the town's population. And while I'm not presuming that all small-minded people are always Republicans, I do notice a correlation between small-town living and the infatuation with Reagan, Fox News, Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh.

I once watched a documentary on how bogus Fox News is - it revealed that the majority of people who watch the network regularly are more misinformed than those who watch other networks, like CNN, MSNBC, CNBC, etc. For example, in a study, they found that more people who watched Fox News believe Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11. Ludicrous!

Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I live in a very conservative area and work with very conservative people; therefore, I get to experience first-hand the barrage of conservative propaganda that is so unfortunate in this modern, progressive world we live in.

I have gotten in too many political discussions with Republicans to count, ranging from the misinformed and idiotic to the extremely intelligent and educated. Whether I was debating with an imbecilic Repo or a smart one, I've noticed they all tend to regurgitate, practically verbatim, the rhetoric of Fox News and its oh-so-talented talking heads - Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck. Notice how practically every Republican will drop the same buzz words and phrases (e.g. Obama is turning our country into a socialist nation), and debate with the exact same argument that these talking heads spew out in the headlines?

Why not come up with an original argument, people! I enjoy watching Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow every now and again, but do you hear me mouthing off their left-leaning arguments every time I talk to a Republican? No, you don't (and yes, a couple of those people are more comedians than news reporters, but I still manage to form my own opinion regardless). And for the record, just because I support Obama does not mean I agree with everything he says and does (more of these parroted buzz words from Republicans include how Democrats view Obama as the second coming of Christ and how we think he can do no wrong).

It's always the same sound bite - "Democrats just want to tax us all up the wazoo and let government control everything," "Hitler was a good speaker too," "Sonia Sotomayor is a reversed racist" or "Sarah Palin is better suited for office than Barack Obama because she has executive experience."

All of these statements are bullshit, yet Republicans continue to spread the propaganda and ignore the facts. They repeat what these right-wing assholes say without even forming their own opinion. Why not consume media from both sides of the aisle? Or read a book for crying out loud? I do, and I feel better informed because I don't just watch MSNBC for my news.

The thing that really rattles me is this idea that Obama is a socialist and that he's trying to pass off the idea of "socialized medicine." The proposed healthcare plan is not socialized medicine, and it's nothing like the Canadian model. This would be a hybrid system, which still includes private insurance as well as a competitor (and aren't the Repos ALL about healthy competition?).

And since when does anyone need to defend the business practices of private insurance companies in this country? "Oh no...this new health plan will put insurance companies out of business because who can compete with the government?" Umm, how about every non-government funded private school? They still exist even with public schools. UPS and FedEx are are still alive and kickin' even with the U.S. Postal Service. Or how about every Barnes & Noble or Borders that compete with libraries? They're still doing fine.

Of course, these examples are not the same as healthcare, but I just don't understand why Republicans are coming out as if they are practically in favor of private insurance companies continuing to screw us?

This whole healthcare debate really solidifies why I am a Democrat. I've noticed a lot about Republican principles, and I just can't relate. Why are Wall Street, big business and large corporations more important than our actual citizens? Why is the focus on profit and not people?

I'm not saying I don't believe in capitalism, because I do. I believe businesses should compete and that the marketplace should act on its own accord. Yet, I don't think we can trust the greed of some of these companies when it comes to self-regulation. I'm not about Big Brother either, but why not create a competitive world that doesn't allow only those with money to rule?

That's the other thing with Republicans - money. "Let's not pay taxes so we can have more money to ourselves." OK, but what about paying to live in a good society with nice roads, clean parks and better schools? That's why I'm glad public schools exist - yes, the education system needs work, but it's part of the trade-off of having a more educated society.

So why not a healthier society too? Why not a country where we can all afford healthcare and take care of ourselves? Why is healthcare a privilege, not a right? It appears to me Democrats care more about individuals and how to have a better quality of life. Republicans, in my opinion, seem to only care about their money, guns, the Bible, abortion and their precious marriage rights (because if 2 dudes get married, then your marriage is awash, right?). It's always about privilege and class and pushing for one group to succeed over another (which is why I continually wonder how any woman could be a Republican!).

That selfish outlook is just not my style. And of course, I know many of these points I'm making are not applicable to every Republican. It's just the underlying theme I've seen in many of their ideas, politics and beliefs.

One of the funniest things I hear a lot are people claiming they are "socially liberal and fiscally conservative." Come on! Do you know what it means nowadays to align yourself with the Republican Party and finances?? Just examine the amount of our national debt during both Reagan and George W. Bush's presidencies.

Sometimes I get discouraged being around so many conservatives - I wonder, "Will this country ever change?" I have faith that it will, just more slowly than my patience can handle sometimes. But as Supreme Court Justice Ginsberg said, "Time is on the side of change." This country is evolving and will continue to evolve, and I hope we all become more open-minded with that change.

And I don't want us all to align politically, but I do think there are basic things we can all agree on - education, health and happiness. So how about we cut the shit and increase education funding, provide health insurance for everyone and let the gays get married already!

Moving Madness

These past couple weeks have made my head spin. Busy, busy, busy. I just haven't felt like there were enough hours in the day to get things accomplished, which makes me feel very anxious. I'm a perfectionist, so when I don't feel like I can cross off everything on my to-do list, I'm like an obese woman trying to ween herself off Phen Phen.

The big news of the week:

1) I'm headed to Washington D.C. tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn to have a fun reunion with my study abroad girls. Oh, how this mini-vacay is so needed, although flying is kind of freaky (at least my flight is non-stop - I'm praying for a good movie and cheap booze!).

2) I'm signing the lease for my new apartment next week! This will be the first official time I'm living alone and paying for everything myself. Well, I have lived alone a couple times - 1 was when my freshman-year college roommate left school early, leaving me with a huge dorm and bathroom all to myself, and the other time I lived in the Bay Area, but with the help of my parents. At least I know how to live alone - it's not hard at all. Kind of nice, actually. Now I get to move into my own place here in Roseville and do it all by myself! Well, financially, that is. My dad and sister are coming next weekend with the truck to help me move stuff. We're going to become the Clampett family again - yeeeehaw!

Let's hope this moving session is better than my last one, which involved almost dropping my queen-sized mattress on I-280 in San Francisco, rain that soaked all my crap on the 2-hour drive to Roseville, and some creepy guy at an SF gas station saying over and over, "Awww hell nawwww....helll nawww," when my mom and I asked him if my mattress was secure enough on top of my dad's truck bed tied to the lumber rack. Needless to say, that day sucked.

Moving days have always been hellish for me, whether it was leaving all my Sacramento friends and moving to BFE in Nevada or bawling my eyes out when my family moved me out of my dorm freshman year of college, only to have my dad ask in the car, "Are you excited to come home?"

Yes, moving is always traumatic for me, so let's pray for good weather next weekend and for my dad to be in a good mood! (Love you, dad).

I'm excited to decorate the new place and have people over. I'm going to keep it spic-and-span, and I won't have to worry about a dog doing its business in my closet, room and bathroom every day! No offense to Maggie - she's adorable, but I just can't live with her. Thankfully my roomies Brian and Kate understand. It's time for a new chapter in my life, and I can't wait!

But first off, visiting my man Obama! Woo hoo! Can't wait ;)