What a Tangled Web We Weave

Recently I told a blatant lie to someone, and my Catholic roots got the best of me. I felt guilty, wretched, horrible, worthless, you name it.

I don't even know why I lied. I could have told the truth, and it wouldn't have been a big deal. But somehow, I was caught on the spot and chose to flat out lie.

Honesty has always been huge with my family. My dad ingrained it in my sister and me, reminding us, "If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember what you said." Ahh, so wise, Dad.

My sister learned early on the negative effects of lying. When she was around 4 or 5, she lied to our dad and told him she'd eaten her whole dinner, when in fact, she had not. I think my dad was tipped off when he saw Robyn's empty plate and 2 huge chunks of hot dog on mine (well, you never know. I was quite the hefty 2 year old). She was swiftly punished and sent to the dungeon, I'm sure. (FYI - the "dungeon" was not actually a dungeon. It was code for our room. My dad was strict, but he wasn't medieval strict).

Robyn may have learned her lesson at 4, but that didn't stop us both from lying up the wazoo come high school. She lied about going to a party once, and I lied about going to work one time, when I'd actually called in sick and gone to my boyfriend's house. My dad caught us on both accounts. Hey, I worked at Denny's. Who wouldn't call in sick?

My biggest lesson in how destructive lying is came when I was a senior in high school. I basically two-timed my on-again-off-again boyfriend and a co-worker (I know, crazy right? I sound so pimp, but really it was too much work to be worth it). Oh, wow. There was a two-month period there where I became a lying master. I got away with it for awhile, but eventually both guys caught on. The ex came to my work and saw me with the other guy. Then the other guy randomly picked up this envelope of pictures at my house which had prom pictures of me and the ex. Yikes!

It was exhausting, to say the least. Even though I apologized and made it right with both of them later on, it still felt shitty lying all the time. I'd forget what I'd said I was doing. I feared someone contradicting my story. I looked over my shoulder out in public in case the other guy might see me with the other. I juggled both of them (for reasons beyond me), but in the end, it was too tiring for it to be worth all of that effort.

I haven't lied in a long time, so this most recent fib really made me disappointed in myself. Unfortunately I haven't confessed to this person, and I don't think I will. It's something that's going to pass anyway, and I'm making a promise here and now to never do this again. It made me feel so horrible that I actually considered going to my local church and confessing. Ha! Oh, the joys of being raised Catholic and honest.

The Dangling of the Carrot

This post will probably piss a few people off, namely because I seem to be a masochist when it comes to my emotions. Oh, how I just love the pain.

I hung out with my ex-boyfriend last night.

Yes, yes. I know. The past is the past, and it should stay that way. Why torture myself? It'll just make things harder. I've heard it all - from family, friends, my inner voice. Trust me - I'm completely aware of the repercussions that come with dabbling into old boyfriend territory. Hello! I'm like the poster child for trying to live in the past!

Every person I've dated seriously and then subsequently broken apart from, I always go back, whether I try to get back together with them or attempt to be "friends." There was a period in time when I cut every ex out since it's less baggage, but I think as time goes by, I forget why I'm angry/sad/heartbroken/annoyed with these guys and just let them right back in. And, not to mention, I get over them eventually, so after awhile, being on good terms is not an issue.

In this case, my most current ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. For the bulk of those months, we didn't communicate one bit. That's definitely a change for me since it always takes me a good year to finally cut ties with my exes, as history has shown (my family is quite aware of my yo-yo boyfriend issues).

Well, my effed up computer brought us back onto talking terms when our mutual friend asked him how I should fix it. He offered to take a look, fix it and back up my files for me. At first I thought, "Do I need to compensate him in some way for doing this for me?" I quickly shook off that idea - that fool broke my heart! He can be my permanent free-of-charge computer guy for the rest of my life for that one.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I asked him if I could come pick it up from his house (I didn't want to use our mutual friend as an intermediary any longer - I just wanted my damn computer!). He obliged and explained he'd been avoiding seeing me since he didn't want things to be "awkward" and he didn't know how we should act around each other.

So we finally saw each other for the first time a couple weeks ago. It wasn't weird at all; in fact, we sat and chatted for 2 1/2 hours, just catching up and whatnot. (I know, I can hear the groans coming from you. Yes, I should have just grabbed my crap and bolted, but I'm a masochist, remember?).

After that, we've kept in touch via text message here and there. Then, strangely enough, he said we should hang out so he can come see my new place and maybe we could watch a movie. Don't worry. This was not his attempt to try and rekindle anything, people. I'm not that dillusional. I think he almost feels sorry for me and wants to make amends. He befriends all of his exes, apparently.

So this wasn't an unusual invitation for him. I agreed, which caused some concern from my friends and my mom, who told me it's like he's "dangling a carrot" in front of the horse (the horse being me, naturally). They are all completely right - of course this hang out could potentially set me back 6 months and cause me to regress back to my pathetic, weepy self (to be honest, I'm still pathetic and weepy sometimes even now, but it has improved slightly). I don't know what I was thinking agreeing to this. I guess I just wanted to challenge myself to see if I could handle it. And I vowed that if I couldn't, I would stop this whole "friendship" business ASAP.

Well, the hang out was last night. He came over and we watched some TV while I cooked up some dinner (which was pretty bomb, might I add). Being the Mr. Fix-It he is, he helped me program my air conditioner and stop this annoying pop-up that was coming up on my computer at start-up. He helped me take out the trash and advised me how to fix my new TV stand (I got it from Big Lots, so ghettoness is kind of expected).

Basically, he was just super helpful and nice, which is his personality anyway. I don't want to think that he was doing all this out of pity - I do think he is a genuinely nice guy. Nothing romantic happened at all - it wasn't that kind of hang out. We did hit up Bel Air and get some beers and ice cream (nice combo). We watched a movie until I kind of passed out on the couch, and he left around 1 a.m. (uuugggh, this morning was torture).

Overall, I think I handled it well. We laughed and reminisced about some old jokes, and kept things very platonic, which is weird since we've never been "just friends." I do miss him, I hate to admit, but I'm completely aware of the situation. I had a relationship in my head with him (basically convincing myself that things were completely mutual when they were not), so it's necessary that I stay focused on reality and not get caught up in old feelings.

It sucks, I'll tell ya. It's hard when you know someone who you just think meshes perfectly well with you, yet they see it differently. It's frustrating, and it makes me question relationship dynamics altogether. I haven't lost faith that I'll find mutual love one of these days, though, so until then, I'm just riding the wave of singlehood.

And who knows where the ex and I will go? I'm not sure if we're going to be hanging out on a regular basis or anything, but at least we're on good terms. I can say that about all my exes now, which is weird. And for the record, this horse is just fine without a carrot!