Monday, September 21, 2009

The Dangling of the Carrot

This post will probably piss a few people off, namely because I seem to be a masochist when it comes to my emotions. Oh, how I just love the pain.

I hung out with my ex-boyfriend last night.

Yes, yes. I know. The past is the past, and it should stay that way. Why torture myself? It'll just make things harder. I've heard it all - from family, friends, my inner voice. Trust me - I'm completely aware of the repercussions that come with dabbling into old boyfriend territory. Hello! I'm like the poster child for trying to live in the past!

Every person I've dated seriously and then subsequently broken apart from, I always go back, whether I try to get back together with them or attempt to be "friends." There was a period in time when I cut every ex out since it's less baggage, but I think as time goes by, I forget why I'm angry/sad/heartbroken/annoyed with these guys and just let them right back in. And, not to mention, I get over them eventually, so after awhile, being on good terms is not an issue.

In this case, my most current ex and I broke up about 6 months ago. For the bulk of those months, we didn't communicate one bit. That's definitely a change for me since it always takes me a good year to finally cut ties with my exes, as history has shown (my family is quite aware of my yo-yo boyfriend issues).

Well, my effed up computer brought us back onto talking terms when our mutual friend asked him how I should fix it. He offered to take a look, fix it and back up my files for me. At first I thought, "Do I need to compensate him in some way for doing this for me?" I quickly shook off that idea - that fool broke my heart! He can be my permanent free-of-charge computer guy for the rest of my life for that one.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, I asked him if I could come pick it up from his house (I didn't want to use our mutual friend as an intermediary any longer - I just wanted my damn computer!). He obliged and explained he'd been avoiding seeing me since he didn't want things to be "awkward" and he didn't know how we should act around each other.

So we finally saw each other for the first time a couple weeks ago. It wasn't weird at all; in fact, we sat and chatted for 2 1/2 hours, just catching up and whatnot. (I know, I can hear the groans coming from you. Yes, I should have just grabbed my crap and bolted, but I'm a masochist, remember?).

After that, we've kept in touch via text message here and there. Then, strangely enough, he said we should hang out so he can come see my new place and maybe we could watch a movie. Don't worry. This was not his attempt to try and rekindle anything, people. I'm not that dillusional. I think he almost feels sorry for me and wants to make amends. He befriends all of his exes, apparently.

So this wasn't an unusual invitation for him. I agreed, which caused some concern from my friends and my mom, who told me it's like he's "dangling a carrot" in front of the horse (the horse being me, naturally). They are all completely right - of course this hang out could potentially set me back 6 months and cause me to regress back to my pathetic, weepy self (to be honest, I'm still pathetic and weepy sometimes even now, but it has improved slightly). I don't know what I was thinking agreeing to this. I guess I just wanted to challenge myself to see if I could handle it. And I vowed that if I couldn't, I would stop this whole "friendship" business ASAP.

Well, the hang out was last night. He came over and we watched some TV while I cooked up some dinner (which was pretty bomb, might I add). Being the Mr. Fix-It he is, he helped me program my air conditioner and stop this annoying pop-up that was coming up on my computer at start-up. He helped me take out the trash and advised me how to fix my new TV stand (I got it from Big Lots, so ghettoness is kind of expected).

Basically, he was just super helpful and nice, which is his personality anyway. I don't want to think that he was doing all this out of pity - I do think he is a genuinely nice guy. Nothing romantic happened at all - it wasn't that kind of hang out. We did hit up Bel Air and get some beers and ice cream (nice combo). We watched a movie until I kind of passed out on the couch, and he left around 1 a.m. (uuugggh, this morning was torture).

Overall, I think I handled it well. We laughed and reminisced about some old jokes, and kept things very platonic, which is weird since we've never been "just friends." I do miss him, I hate to admit, but I'm completely aware of the situation. I had a relationship in my head with him (basically convincing myself that things were completely mutual when they were not), so it's necessary that I stay focused on reality and not get caught up in old feelings.

It sucks, I'll tell ya. It's hard when you know someone who you just think meshes perfectly well with you, yet they see it differently. It's frustrating, and it makes me question relationship dynamics altogether. I haven't lost faith that I'll find mutual love one of these days, though, so until then, I'm just riding the wave of singlehood.

And who knows where the ex and I will go? I'm not sure if we're going to be hanging out on a regular basis or anything, but at least we're on good terms. I can say that about all my exes now, which is weird. And for the record, this horse is just fine without a carrot!

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