Disappointment is Not So Disappointing

I found out recently that someone I may or may not have been over yet is now possibly courting a new woman.

Ahhh, yes. This is a regular occurence with me and the guys I date - they like me for 5 minutes, we break up because they don't like me enough, they continue to act like they like me when I'm really just a stand-in, and then boom - they have a new girlfriend overnight.

So if there are any fellas out there looking to find the right woman - please date me and then break up with me. Your soul mate is right around the corner.

I know I sound bitter, but really, this time around I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be. Maybe because I've been through it before, or maybe because I'm a grown up now - people come and go all the time. One broken heart is not the end of the world!

That's not to say it didn't sting.

Despite my adequate self-esteem and general liking of who I am, I have tended to question myself in the past after being rejected. Any normal person would wonder why they aren't good enough or what they could have done differently.

The thing is that there isn't anything wrong with me, and I didn't need to do anything differently. The only change I need to make is to let go of the ones who take me for granted and expel my energy on someone who actually appreciates me.

My mom has always talked to me about this whole one-sided love cycle of mine, asking, "Don't you want it to be mutual?" While this seems easy to comprehend - it's a lot harder to put into practice. Of course I want things to be mutual, but the optimist in me is always holding on to some glimmer of hope. Not to mention I can be taken advantage of easily because I really do wear my heart on my sleeve.

But in this most recent experience of mine, I don't just understand what my mom said - I feel it. I no longer feel that attraction towards this person. I don't hold him on pedestal. In fact, I actually kind of resent him. It's refreshing to finally see someone in a new light when all I've ever done is worn blinders. Not to mention - anger is a much better emotion than sadness, at least in my opinion. I'm so tired of the whole being sad deal - I always go that route, and I'm not going to regress back into that.

I truly feel like this was a moment of closure - a door closing and a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have no time to dwell on the people that hurt me. Yeah, I might slip up and listen to a depressing Journey song every now and again, but overall, my attitude is positive and I still have faith.

500 Days of Everyone I've Ever Dated

Yesterday I bought the movie "500 Days of Summer." Hands down one of the best movies of last year (ha, weird to say that now).

If you haven't seen it, please do! It's not your typical romantic comedy - very original and just done in a really cool way. There's no other way to describe it.

The thing that resonated with me most when I watched it is how much I can relate to the main character, Tom, played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He basically falls for a girl named Summer, who is closed off from most people and keeps him at arm's length pretty much for the entirety of their relationship (which she barely even calls a relationship herself).

She and Tom have amazing chemistry - they like a lot of the same music and movies, and they have a good time when they're together. Everything from the outside looks like these 2 are perfect for each other. But then it ends suddenly (don't worry, I'm not giving the movie away - the break up is in the trailer), and Tom is left wondering what went wrong. He replays the whole relationship in his head, trying to determine why the relationship ended and how he can get her back.

The part that really got to me is when he thinks back on a few encounters of theirs, and to the audience, everything looks all peachy keen. Then he looks back again and realizes little signs that he overlooked before - she doesn't take his hand when he tries to hold it one time, she gives him a blank look when he tries to joke with her, she tries to cut their date short, saying she's tired.

Hello! This Tom character is ME, and Summer is practically every guy I've been in a relationship with! In my view, everything seems perfect, but in reality, the guy is just not that into me and shows it through these small (and even large) signs that I've chosen to ignore. It's sad, but it is true, and this movie hits the nail on the head.

I think a lot about my last relationship, probably more than I should. Right after the break up, I racked my brain endlessly, searching for reasons - hell, a reason - why it ended. All of the elements were there - the chemistry, the witty banter, the laughing, the passion, the contentment with just being in each other's presence watching TV, the fun dates, the meeting of the families, the like-minded views on politics, values, morals and family. It was all there, and to me, he felt like my perfect match.

I don't mean to say he was perfect for me (because we all know perfection doesn't exist), but he was the absolute closest to this unexplainable idea I had in my head for who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I realized this fairly quickly after meeting him, and when we started dating, it was pure bliss. I'd never been happier in all my life.

The only flaw in the whole relationship was this bliss was mine and mine alone. I was in the relationship by myself, in a way. I was the giddy one, feeling those overwhelming emotions that you can never quite put into words. I know, in general, men move slower than women in the feelings department, so I gave it time, hoping he would come around and eventually express how he felt about me.

He never did.

To quote Tom in 500 Days, he says, "Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being, or... she's a robot."

This was exactly my first reaction to the whole break up - if this guy has little to no feelings for me, he must be like a tin man with no heart whatsoever. I know this isn't true because he is a very kind person, but to go through everything he and I had and to still not know how how he felt about me just left me baffled, mystified, confused and heartbroken. It was the worst.

I wish things would have ended differently for us, I really do. But this is what I was dealt, and I need to just accept it. I'm a lot stronger today than I was a few months ago (not invincible, by any means, but small victories nonetheless). I'm still left baffled and mystified, but this time not about him - just about what the hell love actually is.

Winter Wonderland

I've been wondering lately what my plan is. I've always had some goal in mind or something to aspire to, and lately I feel like I'm just stuck and not really going anywhere.

Everything at work is going great. I'm busy, motivated (usually) and the days go by pretty quickly. But I just wonder what my purpose is. What am I meant to do in this world? Yes, I'm 23 and have time to think about it. But I've never been one to sit still and just let things happen to me - I'm usually the one making things happen.

My volunteering with WEAVE has kind of slowed down (although I'm presenting at a workshop in a week), so maybe I need to pick up another volunteering endeavor.

In other, more exciting news, Christmas is right around the corner! We celebrated yesterday at work by going to Fat's for our office lunch. Yes, we went to Fat's, the place where I gave that perv an apple dumpling. No spotting of said perv, thankfully!

The lunch was delectable, as usual - I ate almost an entire slice of the banana cream pie all by myself! We were joined by 4 "surprise guests," as my boss put it. This included 2 former employees and 2 people we work with every now and again. It was a blast! Especially the part when my co-worker mentioned buying his spouse a gun for Christmas, and one of our special guests inquired, "Is that for use or for pleasure?" Oh, wow. I laughed uncontrollably at that point.

The only downside was I was so full for the rest of the day. And the worst part - I'm so lazy that I didn't work it off today! But my excuse is that this is the holiday season - you're supposed to indulge and be merry.

I spent my Friday night at my grandma's house with my aunt and cousin. We talked politics and watched "Confessions of a Shopaholic." LOVE that movie! My grandma is just a riot - she has this abhorrence for spearmint gum, and she could smell it in my purse all the way in the other room! Ahhh, my precious Grams is 84 and still quite the whipper-snapper.

I came home and did one of my favorite things - curling up on the couch with my afghan blanket (thanks for that, sis!), snacking and watching girly movies. Last night's choice was "Mean Girls." Ever the classic and one of my faves. It still makes me laugh! It was briefly interrupted by drunk text messages from this guy friend of mine. He's been texting me lately and asked me the other day if we were going to hang out this weekend. I totally would if I knew it would be just a friend thing, but I get the distinct feeling that this fool expects more. Ugh, so annoying! Why does everything have to be a booty call? Doesn't anyone just want to talk anymore? Apparently not.

And the irritating part is this guy wasn't even trying hard to make it a booty call. I mean, if you're trying to woo me, at least put in a little effort, buddy! No sweet talk or niceness. Just him putting on the macho bravado that I LOATHE, expecting me to just run to him and rip my clothes off. Not gonna happen.

The only good thing about this whole scenario is that it shows my improvement over the last couple years. Had this been awhile back, I might take the attention as flattery and worry about hurting this guy's feelings by turning him down. Not the case anymore! I'm so fed up with assholes and absolutely more certain now about the kind of guy I'd like to date, that my standards have been raised and my bullshit tolerance is slowly waning. Finally!

I don't always want to be this nice girl that guys can walk all over. Yes, I have a long way to go considering there are certain people (a certain person, really) who have this way of melting me down, even when I make up my mind to move on. I frustrate myself sometimes, but I feel like I'm more in touch with reality than I ever have been. Even if I still have a long way to go, that minor improvement means a lot to me.

So what do I do to help keep me in line? I concentrate on family (like going to visit my grandma) and friends - I'm headed to my friend Erica's family Christmas party tonight in Auburn. I can't wait! She has a wonderful family, and nothing fills my heart up more than being surrounded by happy people - and food!

I'll end this entry with a quaint little Christmas story - Cammie decided to give me my present early this year.....a nice little poop right outside her litter box and then about 4 little dingleberries dispersed throughout the bathroom. Season's greetings!

Why DO Men Love Bitches?

This is a book I was so ill-advised to purchase a couple of years ago.

I stopped reading half way through because it was a beyond ridiculous, antiquated and downright offensive excuse for a "self-help" book. Nowhere did I find the reasoning behind the title - I'm still pondering to this day: why DO men love bitches? It should have been called "How to Act Like a Game-Playing, Immature Teenager So You Can Snag the Attention of Misogynistic, Insecure Tools."

I threw the book away (recycled, rather - that crappy book needs to be redeemed somehow!) before my recent move. And today I began to question once more: why do guys tend to stray away from nice girls and flock to the so-called bitches?

And why would any self-respecting woman attempt to downplay her kindness in hopes of attaining the ever-so-precious attention of some one-track minded asshole?

Could I easily be more of a bitch? Absolutely. Could I get a guy to like me? Sure (although, this may be open to interpretation as of late). But honestly, do I really even WANT to be liked by a guy who's sole reason for his initial attraction to me is the way I act unattainable? Is this guy even worth my energy and time? Absolutely not. I want a guy who appreciates nice girls. He may be hard to find, but I have faith they're out there.

And this principle of bitch loving applies to other parts of life, like working relationships, meeting acquaintances and even friendships. Maybe this is just my distorted view, but I always feel like I see inconsiderate people getting what they want in the end. They were "pushy" enough to go for it, so that means they deserve respect and attention at work and in their social lives?

That is ludicrous.

The reason why I'm questioning this so much today is because a recent situation brought this whole bitch-loving nonsense to my attention. Someone I was close to (and treated VERY well) is now adrift from me. This person is, however, still very close to a certain someone who is - all right, I'll just go out and say it - a bitch. The bitch has screwed this person over before, and that person has vowed to me that they will no longer remain as close to that bitch as before.

Yet here we are - that person will not give me the time of day, yet they are as close as ever to this bitch person. I had (obviously erroneously) placed this person on a pedestal and assumed they were more evolved than that; however, I am mistaken. I did nothing wrong to this person, so maybe I need to stoop to this bitch's level in order to be more appealing? Oh, hell freakin' no.

This isn't the first time this person has showed their taste for bitch. This person has an ex who was also quite the brute, and this person still holds that ex in very high esteem, even going so far as to say they miss them and would like to rekindle some semblance of a friendship.

When did being inconsiderate and downright awful become the M.O. for how to be in certain people's lives? It's like thoughtfulness and compassion count for nothing!

I'm not claiming to be perfect - I'm far from it - but I would classify myself as more of a nice, easy-going person than a stubborn, hard-headed one. I know I'm not the only nice person out there, but so many times I feel like I'm a good, caring person surrounded by a screwed up world full of self-serving assholes. When does it pay off to be nice?? Why is it that I get walked on and taken for granted when I try my best to treat others well?

There is some condition in children where they're unable to read others' emotions - like you could be crying in front of the child, and he/she wouldn't understand that something is wrong. I think I have the exact opposite of this condition - I'm reading and observing people non-stop, trying to figure out how best to adapt to their situation and feelings. Always worrying about how they feel and how to best make them feel comfortable. I never want to hurt their feelings, so I do my best to tip-toe around sensitive topics.

It is exhausting.

And yet, I don't know how to be anything but nice. I don't know how to be a bitch (in the definition that the author of that lame ass book came up with). I don't want to be a bitch, either. I just want to be myself and have other people around me give a shit too. I want other people to be more sensitive to my feelings (and when I say other people, I mean the general public and other acquaintances. I have great friends and family!).

Why does it seem sometimes that I'm surrounded by tin men who have no hearts?? Where is the Great and Powerful Oz when you need him!

I've decided it's best that I cut ties with those insensitive and unevolved people who are either bitches themselves or bitch lovers. Why would I want them in my life anyway? It's hurtful to be let down, but all I can do is surround myself with people who encourage me to be just as I am and like me, niceness and all.

Rejection then Perfection

I was rejected last week from something I'd applied for, something I'd felt pretty good about. I was rejected via e-mail - that's the relationship equivalent to getting dumped over a text message. I wasn't even worth a phone call to these bastards!

But instead of getting all weepy and pathetic, I shook it off and got back on with my life. That got me thinking about all the rejection I've experienced in my life and how it's really toughened me up. And I'm not trying to throw a Pity Party and say "Oh poor me. Nobody loves me, blah blah blah." I know I'm a valuable person that has a lot to offer. But that doesn't make me any less susceptible to rejection.

Not all, but many of my experiences in rejection have been in the arena of boys. I remember liking this guy Owen in 10th grade. He was a senior and we were in the same Chemistry class. A semi-mutual friend of ours let me in on a little secret: apparently Owen had a crush on a girl in his Chemistry class - a younger girl. Well, after scoping out my competition (not saying I was spectacular - pretty sure I had braces at the time - but I figured he was referring to me since he didn't talk to any other younger girls in the class besides me).

So Brilliant Me got the fantastic idea to write Owen a note (with a pink pen even!) and leave it on the windshield of his car. I basically just wrote a bunch of gibberish and added my phone number at the end. And then I waited. Waited alllll weekend to hear from him. Not a peep. Hmm, strange.

Come Monday morning, I was quickly told that Owen had a new girlfriend - my enemy Kelley! How in Hades did THAT happen? I'm guessing our mutual friend had received some bad information (or blatantly screwed my ass over - I'm still unsure which), and I had now humiliated myself.

When I look back on that now, I remember I felt awful at school and wanted nothing more than to go home, cry to my mom and listen to the sad tunes of Britney Spears or *NSYNC. Nothing spells out teen angst better than "I'm Not a Girl, Yet Not a Woman" and "Digital Get Down." But I also think back and realize, why was I so sad over that dipshit? He was a juggler for crying out loud! And no, not a juggler of women. An actual juggler - he was always seen throwing around some lame rings or dumb ass hacky sacks. Could Ringling Brother really have made me happy? Highly doubtful.

Then there was the time I was rejected by a guy on national television. Granted, it was a hot, famous BMX rider (Dave Mirra). When MTV came to Lake Tahoe a few years ago, my friend and I went up there to be in some of the beach shots for TRL. It was all taped, so the coverage wasn't shown until the following week. They taped me asking Dave Mirra what he was scared of and if he would marry me (yes, I actually did this). I watched in anticipation that next week when Dave finally came on TRL. His reaction to my request? "Whoa, that's what I'm scared of right there!" or something to that effect. Sigh. Even famous people who are 3,000 miles away and will clearly never meet me couldn't even throw me a bone.

Besides male rejection, I have also experienced academic rejection. I applied for this huge scholarship in college that would have paid for an entire year's worth of tuition. It was for anyone who graduated from my high school in NV, so I figured the pool of applicants (and my competition) was pretty small. I was on the phone with my dad when the letter came, and he listened to me as I opened it all excitedly. Ugh. A big fat NO. I definitely cried after that one.

I can't even begin to cover all the jobs I've been rejected from. Before I joined the PR firm I work for now, I was rejected from some ghetto ass legal secretary job in an office that consisted of one fat ass lawyer and his part-time associate. And he worked in Loomis (with a population of like 40). I'm sure I couldn't have handled the multi-phone line system when his plethora of calls came in. Oh, and that copy machine? That new-fangled contraption can be a bitch to learn how to use.

Overall, I've had my share of being told "no." And while rejection is never fun or easy, it doesn't make me feel as incapacitated as it did when I was younger. A guy not liking me was the end of the world in high school. Not getting a position or scholarship or spot on the cheerleading squad was hard for me and left me questioning myself a lot.

I still question myself at times, but it's those accomplishments and times I've heard "yes" that keep me going. I beat out 100 people for my current position at work, and my oh-so-selfless parents were the best scholarship fund a gal could ask for! I still get rejected by guys, but I've had the pleasure of meeting some really nice ones who have changed me and helped me grow.

Without that risk of rejection, I would not be where I am today. Now I'm better able to shrug things off and move forward. And just think: if I hadn't experienced rejection, I would be some asshole lawyer's bitch and the wife of a circus freak.

17 Again

I went to Erica's last night, and we (OK, fine....SHE) cooked dinner and we watched "17 Again." The movie stars Zac Efron (a.k.a. the hottie from "Hairspray" who is way too young for me), and the premise involves Zac Efron as an adult getting to go back to being his 17-year-old self and attend high school with his two teenaged kids (kind of like "Big," only not as classic).

This got me thinking about what it would be like if I could go back to being my 17-year-old self (like in the above picture, circa 2003). Granted, that was only 6-1/2 years ago, but it made me realize how far I've come since high school.

For example:

17-year-old Tracy
I was somehow under the illusion that I had an awesome relationship with my boyfriend at the time. We were "in love" and without-a-doubt going to end up together. During our junior year of high school, he revealed to me one fine afternoon that he'd cheated on me with this incredibly awful girl named Jessie.....like 6 months prior! Ahhh, yes. A point for his honesty. And -10,000 points for his punk ass cheating on the one-and-only Tracy T! I cried for days about it, and what do ya know? All it took for that character to get back into my good graces was a poem and a couple "I'm sorrys." We spent the next year of our relationship fighting, with me bringing up the Jessie infidelity in probably 87% of every argument.

23-year-old Tracy
I've had my heart broken in the worst ways, and while this has made me incredibly sad at times, it has also thickened my skin to the point where I feel so much more confident in my relationships. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but the progress I've made after each gut-wrenching, nausea-inducing break up is invaluable. If I could go back to being 17, I would have kicked that prick to the curb way sooner! Probably even before the cheating confession. We had a myriad of problems from the get-go, which is kind of the drill when it comes to high school trysts. I've learned from my most recent relationship that if you have a deal-breaker of a problem and you break up, there's no going back or making things better the second, third, three-hundredth time around. I was WAY into the last guy I dated (think that lovely four-letter word starting with "L"). He, on the other hand, was NOT feeling me in the same way. I think his exact words were, "I'm not sure if the love I have for you is for a girlfriend or a friend. Oh, and you also remind me of my sister." (Insert another mix of four-letter words here, namely ones that begin with "S" and "F"). I could have continued dating him because we always had a good time together, no fighting, no overt problems. But there was that voice inside my head telling me that if someone is unsure if they are in love with me after 8 months, it's high time to pack my bags and jet like a bat outta Hades.

My high school BF obviously embodied everything wrong in a relationship (cocky, dishonest, unfaithful, guilt-tripping, name-calling, etc.), but I was so naive and a pushover that it took me way too long to stand up for myself (speaking of which, true story: my dad told me he'd pay me $50 to tell my high school boyfriend to "go f*** himself." I did it. Several times. Where's the cash, Dad? Oh yeah....he did pay for my college, so I shouldn't complain).

Overall lesson learned: Dump the zeros so as to make room for the heroes.

17-year-old Tracy
My best friend Christina and I have been tight ever since middle school. She and I are both nerds to the core and adore Harry Potter. Not to mention, we made up some kick ass dance routines to Ace of Base while messing around during school play practice. At 17, I don't think I valued her as much as I do now. I saw every close girlfriend as my competition - competing for male attention, better grades, getting into the best school, the best dress for the homecoming dance...you catch my drift. Everything was a race - I remember even feeling triumphant when I bought the new Britney Spears CD before Christina did. Why all of the competition and jealousy?

Well, it didn't help that Christina and I were both very wrapped up in our boyfriends at 17. We were both interested in joining the debate team, but at the last minute, Christina backed out because she said she was too busy with other commitments. And what do ya know, I happened to stop by a local high school that was holding debate tournaments, and who do I see coming out of the competition? Christina and her new partner, Amie! Ahh yes...that was a nice blow. But I guess I deserved it because I stole Christina's boyfriend Bryan in 8th grade (oh, and how that little fruitcake was so not worth the fighting). All I know is that she and I had issues in high school despite our close friendship.

23-year-old Tracy
There is not a good thing that happens to Christina that doesn't make me 10 times happier. Seeing her succeed and live her dreams is the ultimate, and I can't think of a recent time when I didn't wish anything less than good things for her. She is way ahead of the game (more so than me, I'd say): she's a medical student, she's been with her boyfriend for a number of years in a healthy, stable relationship (what the hell is that like?), she actually knows what it's like to live with a guy successfully, she is well traveled and she was recently crowned Miss Nevada! I cried when she won because I've been attending almost every pageant of hers for the last 6 years (or at least the ones I could attend - she's competed a lot on the east coast as well).

So basically, her happiness is my happiness. I don't begrudge her or feel jealous when good things come her way. Wouldn't I expect the same from my best friend?

Overall lesson learned: There are only a rare number of friends we will carry with us for the rest of our lives, so don't let petty, irrelevant things jeopardize this. (Two of my best friends below, Amie - yes, the "other" woman at the debate tournament - Christina and me at the 2009 Miss Nevada Pageant in Reno).


17-year-old Tracy
OK, so technically I was 18 when this happened, but I thought this was a really good example of self-reliance. During my freshman year of college at the University of Oregon, I thought I'd overdosed on - you guessed it - Vitamin C. While most of my classmates were toking it up in their rooms or popping Aderalls left and right in order to stay up and study, I was tricked into taking too much Vitamin C and Zinc from my BF at the time in order to combat the cold I thought I was catching.

Now, a little background here. I used to have a major case of emetophobia. This is the fear of throwing up, and yes it's real (it's actually one of the Top 10 most common phobias). I'm not as bad as I used to be, but during freshman year, my fear was in high gear (wow, that was a lot of rhyming). So after popping a few too many of each pill, I freaked out and called my parents. Bad idea. My dad called Poison Control and told me I'd be fine. (He later told me out of spite after I snapped at him that P.C. had actually told him I might throw up. Thanks, Pop). I was fine, but it sure gave me a scare.

23-year-old Tracy
While I may have 4 different types of hand sanitizer in my purse, I'm not going to be on an episode of A&E's "Obsessed" anytime soon. I think college taught me how to rely on myself and my own resources before resorting to the panicked parental call. I now stop and think about how I can best solve something, and if I'm in need of further advice or insight, I tend to call my parents in a more relaxed state. A lot less freak outs and panic attacks these days, not to mention I no longer need to use my membership for the online International Emetophobia Society (yes, I was a member at one point). I still call my parents often because they mean the world to me, but it's safe to say I no longer need adult supervision when it comes to my pill intake. I took my multivitamin this morning and feel just fine.

Overall lesson learned: It's a thrilling experience when your mom and dad slowly transition out of the "parenting" stage and you no longer need them to hold your hand when you cross that metaphorical street. But that doesn't mean you don't want them right by your side when you do cross.

In sum, I'm very happy with how I've turned out so far as a young adult. I think the melodrama was fun while it lasted, but being a grown up is so much better! I have more meaningful relationships, my friends are my best allies and there's nothing I love more than feeling proud when I accomplish something all by myself.

Big Hair, Big Questions, Big Losers

Upon choosing the name of this blog, I'm reminded of a certain scene in the movie "Mean Girls" where Damien describes the nosiest, most gossip-y member of "The Plastics": "That's why her hair is so big - it's full of secrets!"

Now I wouldn't say my 'fro is full of more than some mild gel and bobby pins, but I have to admit that I can relate to the big-haired mean girl in the fact that I am quite inquisitive (read: nosy) about other people's lives and business. I don't spread the word about people afterward usually, but I like knowing things about people for the sake of knowing. I was a journalism major in college, so asking questions and getting to know more about people comes with the territory. It's actually a running joke in my family about the crazy, thought-provoking questions I come up with, just so as to find out more about my favorite people. I've thrown out everything from, "Money aside, what would your dream job be?" to "If you were black, how would you wear your hair?"

Now that my randomness has been properly proven, I'd like to say welcome to my first official blog entry! I used to blog a lot on my MySpace, but since my profile there has gone defunct (OK, I'm actually avoiding an ex on there. Can you blame me?), I've decided to join the blogosphere so that my random rants, raves and musings can reach all people, even non-MySpacers.

I've kept a journal ever since I was about 7, so I've never been one to shy away from chronicling my life. I hope to keep you entertained as I bring you along on my journey through my early 20s as I navigate the world of work, family, friendships, romance (or lack thereof), politics and my oh-so-adorable cat Cammie.

To get this this entry flowin', I'm taking the advice of my friend Alanna and sharing a collection of anecdotes about the comedy that is my love life. Ahh, yes. While tragedy has ensued in this arena, I'm fairly certain I'm past the bitter, heartbroken phase and can now look back on some of my experiences and laugh. I broke up with someone about 3 months ago and we haven't talked since. This is HUGE for me, given my old co-dependent ways. I used to not be able to let people go, probably because I just assumed that there wouldn't be anybody else out there. Word of advice: there will ALWAYS be another bus to catch, even if that bus eventually runs you over or drives away without a second glance. Have faith, another bus will be en route your way. And I have hope that one day, it'll eventually be a Bentley stretch limo that comes my way.

Anyway, back to the comedy. I discovered recently that as a single gal, people are always trying to set you up. While that is thoughtful, it's also a recipe for disaster (i.e. uncomfortable blind dates, forced polite rejections from my end, and repeating the same "all about me" spiel to each loser that enters my life). Just because I'm not in a relationship does not mean I'm unhappy or "looking" for someone! I don't believe in "looking," since that usually requires wearing blinders and thinking that every douche bag that walks my way is actually Mr. Right in disguise. Looking for love has made me stupid; therefore, I've found that I like myself more when I'm content with just being independent and unattached.

So in the months following my break up, I met some pretty uneligible bachelors with one thing in common: kids! Lordy, I'm 23! In no way am I stepmom material. There was guy #1, whom I'll call Mr. Bomb-Dropper (BD for short). Mr. BD and I shared a couple fun dates, and I was feeling him at first. He was smart, educated, sweet, attentive. After about date #3, he finally spills: "Umm, I have a 3-year-old son, and I feel like shit for not telling you earlier." Damn right you should feel like shit! That would have been a nice piece of information to know before I started doodling our names together (OK, I'm exaggerating. I didn't like him all that much, but this whole kid business sure put the brakes on whatever minimal feelings I had for the padre). Needless to say, that ended fairly quickly. I told him I didn't have feelings for him; he asked what he did wrong and how could he make it better. Umm, don't think it would make us soul mates or anything, but you could have tried going back in time and wrapping it up, my friend!

Then there was the next guy after him (don't worry - I'm no hussy. These were all just dates and nothing more. Obviously these characters are not even getting first-name mentions, hence how irrelevant and short-lived my interactions with them were). We'll call this one Mr. Grandpa. Now, he wasn't a grandpa by any means. He was 5 years my senior, but he sure as hell looked like a senior himself! At least 10 years older than his real age. That should have been my tip-off. He had a kid too, but he was honest from the get-go. I gave it a chance because I figured it would make a good story. We lasted one date and that's it. He was super nice but so not my type (i.e. looked like he could be my dad). Plus I'm pretty sure he was a die-hard Republican (not that I have an issue with Repos. I just don't really want to marry one!). Mr. Grandpa was a set-up date, and the person setting us up told me she "had a really good feeling about this one. A sixth sense." OK, Haley Joel Osment. There was no attaction whatsoever. I appreciate the effort, but eccck!

Lastly, there was a guy who asked for my business card at a client event. He was pretty attractive, but again, seemed to be quite a bit older than me (I was right - 10 years older!). We'll call this guy Mr. Declarative (as in declarative sentences. You'll see what I mean in a minute). After 2 weeks or so, he finally e-mailed me. At that point I'd already dismissed him because I'm a firm believer in making things happen right away if you really want it. Mr. Declarative obviously treated meeting me as an afterthought, so I was surprised to hear from him. He asked how I was, and I kid you not, that was the last question he asked. We went back and forth a bit via e-mail, but every response he had was him talking about himself and never asking about me. Wow, super attractive, buddy! First you act too busy to send a 2-second e-mail to me. Now you appear nonchalant and apathetic in the e-mail chain YOU initiated. Eww. Oh, and in true Tracy-always-attracts-the-rejects fashion, he revealed he has a daughter - a 12-year-old! That's a red flag the size of India.

So basically, set ups are irritating and kind of a waste of time. While they make interesting blog fodder, I don't think I'll be dating any randoms anytime soon. I do like to have male company every now and again since I don't want to only surround myself with girls, but overall, single life is good! Easier, less stress, less overanalyzing. I say that now since it's only been 3 months. But who knows if I'll be singing a different tune once the year mark comes around. After awhile, who knows if I'll be desperate for that bus - heck, a messenger bike - to come along! Stay tuned.