Lately I've been thinking about choices. I've touched on this in a previous blog, but I wonder if sometimes it's hindering to have too many options - like I have the whole world in my palm and I can make anything of myself if I just put some elbow grease into it. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed with where I can go in life, that it almost paralyzes me - it's scary to move forward, so I end up just standing still. I don't like to make decisions because if I choose the "wrong" thing, all I'm left with is regret and wondering "What if?"
Some choices seem easy - where to eat dinner tonight, what drink to get at happy hour, should I wear a scarf today. Even then, I struggle with making a decision. So forget about making significant choices like career, living situation, relationship. It's been a goal of mine to be more decisive - trust me, I know how frustrating it can be when you're out with someone and they ask, "Where do you want to sit?" and it takes 20 minutes to figure it out. Or how irritating it can be when someone says, "I don't care. You pick," every single time. That's me in a nutshell - leaving decisions to other people so that I don't have to make them.
This is why I excelled so much when I was younger. There were structured decisions - taking honors classes in high school, getting involved in this club, applying to this college, majoring in this subject, interning at this company. All of it was guided, for the most part. There was an unwritten manual that helped guide you to the next logical step. Adulthood? Nope. No such manual. It's an off-beaten path, so you have to make your own road.
This is a lot harder than I imagined. As a teenager and young adult, I only thought about what my next step was and what my immediate goals were. And my life changed pretty regularly from year to year - always moving, taking new classes, meeting new people. Now, I'm in a state of stability, which ironically makes me restless. Not because it's boring (well, at times it can be. Watching movies on a Friday night and bedtime by 9? Check.), but because I get nervous that maybe I'm not supposed to be "stable" yet. Shouldn't I be off galavanting in big cities, traveling the world or writing a novel? Or is it perfectly acceptable to just go to work, keep active, see my friends and family, go to bed at a decent hour, pay my bills and just live in my routine?
See, more questions. More choices. I know my neuroses is clearly showing here, but is there anyone else out there who feels/has felt like this? Anyone? All 2 of you reading this right now?
I'm very comfortable with my life right now, and as someone who welcomed change in the past, you'd think I'd be all for rocking the boat - like changing careers or moving to a cool midtown apartment away from the comfort of the suburbs. Is change necessary even when life is going well?
The reason I wonder all of this is because I always want to be growing - always want to be learning. I never want to rest on my laurels and just accept life as it comes. I want to make my life and feel somewhat in control of it. I'm 25 - this is not the time to be settling, by any means. I don't want to be on auto-pilot and wake up in 10 years, regretting that I didn't take certain chances.
So there it is. My latest analytical drama. If anyone has any thoughts or advice, I'd gladly welcome it! Just don't ask me to make any decisions, though. It might take awhile.