Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Certain Certainty

In third grade, my friends and I were crushing hard on this guy Brian. He was an older man (fourth grader) and had dreamy blue eyes.

Not only that, but he had a way with words.

"Yo Tracy...you're ugly!"

And so began our love story. Soon after our first exchange of words, we began dating (clearly his "wooing" of me was an indicator that my self esteem was nonexistent). Our long, tenuous relationship (three days) eventually ended when I broke it off (a.k.a. I told a friend to tell one of his friends to tell him that we were no longer "going out").

I spent the rest of third grade, and even a part of fourth grade, wondering if I'd made the right choice.

Fast forward 17 years, and I still have issues sticking with relationships and being decisive.

Ty and I are happy - it's been 9 months, so we're still "new," and we're enjoying getting to know each other as time goes on. But inevitably, the question of "Will this last?" pops into my head, and doubt settles in.

I constantly worry about making the right choices in life, and my relationship choices are no different. At 26, I'm seeing friends get engaged, move in with their significant others, pop out kids (well, I'm not literally seeing the kids being born - ahh!). It's an age where society has this unwritten expectation that you "get serious" and figure out what you're going to do with your life forever and who you want it to be with.

That is daunting to me because I never like to feel "stuck." I mean, look at me - it took me forever to finally buy a car (and submit to car payments), and I plan on being an apartment/house renter for the foreseeable future. The permanence of certain choices is scary. I get nervous about taking a misstep and committing to something I'm not ready for.

So, here I am. In a 9-month relationship. We aren't close to moving in together, and we aren't close to getting engaged. So why does the idea of permanence freak me out? I think it's mostly a fear that comes from seeing others so certain.

I hear a lot of people say "Oh, I just knew he was the one" or "I have no doubts in mind that this is it". I was once someone who said those things - only to get my heart broken months later.

That conviction and certainty are something I have yet to get back, as much as I care about Ty. I don't think this really has to do with him - insert any guy into his position, and I'd still feel fearful. Thankfully, I don't receive direct pressure from anyone to take our relationship to the next level. We are both content with where it's at, and my parents aren't hounding me to produce grandkids anytime soon.

And my fears are calmed (for the time being) every time I remind myself that 1) I'm 26, not 86, and 2) I have the power to change anything I want at anytime. Nothing is really ever permanent. And that's something I'm certain of.

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