12 years later...hello!
I was reminded of this blog's existence in a recent flashback post on my Facebook. I clicked through and read over some of my posts from over a decade ago. With the exception of a couple cringey, politically incorrect phrases, I was fairly impressed with what I'd written. And even though I've experienced all of my 30s and entered into my 40s since I last wrote, I am still me.
Sure, a few things have changed since 2014:
- I married that boyfriend that I'd moved in with relatively quickly. My head, heart, and gut were all spot on with him.
- He and I moved to the Bay Area together for 6 years where we pursued our careers: him coaching in college athletics and me hopping to a couple places before finding my true professional home in corporate internal communications.
- We got engaged in Kauai, married a year later, and honeymooned in Kauai. Clearly, we know what we like, as we've since visited the island several times since.
- I gave birth to our first child! Becoming a mom has been a trip. At this moment in time, I was dead set on being "one and done." Get ready to laugh a couple bullets down.
- The pandemic hit, and my job went fully remote. We bought our first home back in the Sacramento area and took advantage of those low 2020 interest rates.
- Hubs left coaching for a brief moment.
- With a new house, I felt ready to try for a second kid. Surprise! I drop eggs like a gumball machine because I got pregnant with fraternal twins.
- I went from a mom of 1 to a mom of 3, subsequently losing my mind.
- Hubs went back to coaching in a job tailor made for him.
- Once again, I job-hopped a couple times during my quest for finding out who this "new me" was after birthing 723 children.
- I'm happy to report being back in corporate internal communications, working fully remote and loving what I do.
- I got on an SSRI (finally) and found some semblance of mental harmony amidst the chaos.
- My husband and I both turned 40 this year and embarked on an epic Great Britain trip, just us two, igniting my absolute obsession with Scotland. I need to become a full-time book reader there and own Highland cows. I simply must.
That about sums it up!
Rediscovering my own blog writings was fortuitous because lately I've been having recurring dreams that I just asked ChatGPT about (I'm busy and cheap, so instead of a real dream interpreter or fortune teller, I'm settling for generative AI and feeling guilty for the energy waste in asking my trivial questions). Over the last several weeks, my dreams have included me having deep, romantic love affairs with old flames. Like, we're talking old flames, as in high school and college. Chad Gippetti—that's my personification of ChatGPT—told me that this doesn't literally mean I miss those relationships (um, no kidding. I prefer nontoxic masculinity and fidelity). It just signifies my nostalgia for feelings of novelty, like that rush of new love. I can appreciate those frozen moments in time, while also recognizing the comfort, security, and peace I currently have in my life.
Thanks, Chad.
I was worried that maybe on some level, I overshot my desire for a more boring, predictable life and have somehow closed the window on ever feeling that sudden rush of newness or euphoria. Reading my old blog posts reminded me that even a dozen years ago, I was in a hurry to move past the honeymoon phase in favor of comfort, and while I'm happy to hear that I'm still that same security-seeking curly girl, I never want to be "stuck."
I don't feel stuck now, not by any means. My brain feels as if it's jogging on a hamster wheel and never getting off. The physical and mental load of having a family, full-time career, and feeble attempts at a social life are enough to keep me constantly juggling. Much like one of my old posts talked about: I am never bored. I recall looking forward to having a family of my own one day so that I'd never feel lonely again. Welp, now I'm surrounded and overstimulated 90% of the time. It's what I wished for all those years ago, and yet I think it makes me nostalgic for those youthful times when things felt exciting, the possibilities endless, and I felt some semblance of control.
Now, I live a life of obligation – isn't that the definition of being grown up? You've got all these responsibilities and owe so much of yourself to other people. Those days of yearning for a cute new guy to text you, or navigating the wide range of professional paths you could take...that's nostalgia now. A dream from the past.
I'm wiser now in this season of life to know that two things can be true at once – I can remember past times and miss my care-free, more self-centered existence, while also appreciating that I'm living the life I always asked for (well, maybe a version of it that is louder, more expensive, and requires the mental gymnastics of a doctor, teacher, chef, clown, janitor, and personal assistant rolled into one).
There may not be hot new romances to report or tap dance shows to perform nowadays for me, but this curly girl is happy. Mentally short-circuiting a lot of the time, but still happy.
