Mean Girls

When I was younger, I used to run to my mom and tell her when other girls at school were being mean to me. Most of the pejoratives thrown my way were people calling me a "goody-goody" or "teacher's pet." She suggested that maybe these girls were just jealous of me. This might have been the case, although I doubt anyone was green with envy when I came to school with a sun blister on my face and got called "Bubble Chin" for the rest of the day. Or there was the time someone made fun of my hairy legs in 5th grade. I doubt anyone was secretly wishing they were Teen Wolf.

Now that I'm grown up, I assumed that "mean girl" mentality would fade away, but I've noticed lately that that's not entirely the case. I know a few grown women who are catty as can be, sometimes overtly, other times more concealed. Either way, I can't comprehend why some women still do this to other women - we deal with enough coming from men, so why turn on each other?

Most of the time, this "mean girl" stuff is just petty - a snarky comment, a text message with attitude, condescension. I refuse to play into it. That's just not my style. I stopped playing those games when I was in high school. I used to treat my friends more like "frenemies" - girls that I treated like friends to their faces, but behind their backs I trashed them like Joan Rivers. It wasn't until college when I finally opened my eyes to my own behavior - why was I competing against these girls who were my friends instead of rooting for them? Why was I secretly hoping to outdo them or appear superior? There was no good reason for it, so I decided to stop.

Unfortunately, I occasionally run into ladies who get pleasure in trying to bring other women down. These are people I either opt not to associate with or I just keep my distance. My closest friends are people I know have my back - they support me, and I support them. These "mean girls" don't really succeed in making me feel bad about myself. It's more of a reflection of their character rather than mine. And while I don't believe these people are actually jealous of me, I do think their attitudes reflect their own insecurities. A secure and confident person doesn't need to bring someone else down in order to feel good about themselves. That's more of an instant gratification than a solution to good self-esteem.

Of course, I'm not claiming to be perfect or holier than thou. I partake in cattiness here and there, I'll admit. Nevertheless, I generally try my best to avoid getting caught up in full-on drama. Sadly, sometimes the drama finds you.

I don't take it too personal though. Even the most angelic people are the target for mean girls - my mom, for example, got a nasty note written to her by a Filipina woman who thought my mom was stealing her husband (riiiiiiiiight). The woman left an anonymous note for my mom that said she was "a white trash." Gee, I wonder who would write such grammatically incorrect malarkey.

So basically, there's no way everyone we meet in this world will like us. But the least I can do is just ignore the mean girls and take the high road.

She's Baaaaaaaack

My little month hiatus from blogging is over. I also took a break from Facebook and Twitter for a bit too, but now I'm back in action.

Why the break, you ask? I was getting a bit too distracted - as well as overwhelmed - by the online world. I wanted to take time away to see what it was like to not worry about who posted what on their Facebook status update or what I should re-tweet. The break was incredible! I didn't miss my online self one bit, and it allowed me to relax on my week-and-a-half vacation. I've returned feeling replenished, so the break did its job. Plus, I just got the new iPhone so it's a must that I use it to its full potential.

Here is what has been going on as of late:

1) My grandma in San Diego passed away last Wednesday. She was 91. I really feel like life has a way of always working things out because as luck would have it, our family was down in SD on vacation last week. I got to spend crucial time with her after hospice was set up at her house. She was happy and laughing, and the day after she got to see all 5 of her kids surrounding her was when she finally let go and went up to join Grandpa. I was pretty sad at work last Thursday - couldn't focus or get motivated to do anything. Thankfully, I have an amazing co-worker who brought me a card and my favorite candy bar, and she was so supportive. My roomie cheered me up too and kept my mind off of things. I'm feeling much better now, especially since I know she's not in pain anymore.

2) My roommate moved out last Saturday, and I move into my new place this weekend! I'm unbelievably excited because I love living alone and my new place is super cute - it's in a gated condo complex so I won't be living in the hood any longer.

3) I went on vacation, which wasn't as relaxing as I would have hoped, but I had a blast. I first spent a few days in San Francisco with my cousin and sister. That is hands-down my favorite city in the world! We did touristy things, ate amazing food like my favorite pizza and delicious crepes, and we drank at a club on top of a fabulous hotel, hanging with some fun Yahoo! executives. I never wanted to leave! The next leg of vacay was our family reunion on a Mexican cruise from Long Beach to Ensenada. It wasn't exactly what I'd envisioned (whoever said you can't even tell you're on a boat is a LIAR), but it was still so much fun! I sang karaoke, ate some more good food (I even ate dessert for every meal one day), watched a singing/dancing show, went to a comedy routine and had an awesome massage & facial. Lastly, we spent a couple days in San Diego having quality family time. It was very special.

4) I got set up with someone by a lady in my yoga class. This woman randomly came up to me after class and asked if I was married (are you kidding? I look about 13 years old). She told me she wanted to set me up with her son, and she asked for my phone number. Wow, this was a first! His name is Matt, and we've hung out a couple times. He plays in a couple bands and teaches guitar right down the street from me. Very nice guy and super funny. Not sure what will happen in the future, but for now, I'm happy to have made a new friend.

5) Someone special just moved to Sacramento. He makes me laugh more than anyone I know, and I'm so thrilled that we are neighbors now :)

That's basically it! I'm glad to be back to blogging...I sure missed the writing.

Blog Break

I've decided to take a break from blogging for awhile.

I'll be back soon!

You Like Me, You Really Like Me

We all have things about ourselves that we don't like. Not physical assets necessarily (those can change, and who really cares what's on the outside?), but those flaws we just can't seem to change about ourselves.

I have this insane need to have everyone like me. Seriously.

This is the reason behind so many things that I do - getting good grades and following rules so teachers like me, being passive aggressive and avoiding confrontation at all costs so that friends like me, forgiving guys much too quickly so that there's no drama or bad blood between us...so that they'll like me.

It's a sick and twisted thing, and I don't know why I'm like this. That's not to say there aren't people out there who don't like me. I can actually think of one or two who don't, and it hasn't made me lose a wink of sleep. But in general, people not seeing me in a positive light is my worst fear.

Maybe this is why I've always been an overachiever in school. And maybe it's why I always cower to dominating people and let them control situations. And I definitely know that it's why I hang on to certain boys longer than necessary.

My friend Nicole called me yesterday, asking for advice on how to get her ex-boyfriend to leave her alone and to not try to be friends with her. I honestly told her that the only way I've gotten guys to flee is to fall for them. Seriously. But it really struck me how strong and adamant she was about putting this guy in her past, no matter how strongly she had felt for him at one time. Why can't I be decisive like that? Why am I always a damn doormat?

I go through phases where I'm really strong and determined, like a couple blogs ago when I talked about quitting my pathetic feelings for someone. This week has not been one of those strong ones. I've become Needy Nelly again, which I really hate. That guy I was going to get over from a couple blogs ago? Yep, still like him. Maybe this whole moving on process is a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing.

Oh, but did I mention that this guy is moving to Sacramento in a week? Yeah, so much for trying to move forward and leave him alone. Now I'm basically forced to still be head over heels for this fool! Damn geography. Instead of telling myself that it's never going to happen between us, I start fantasizing about how things could be now that we'll be in the same town. Do I have zero rationality or what?! Yes, I have clearly regressed, people. I told you I'm bound and determined to get people to like me.

On to other subjects....I put a holding deposit on my new place! It's actually at the old place where I used to live with my old roommates, but in a 1 bedroom. I'm more pumped than a drunken frat boy's stomach!!! Normally, I'm all about function over fashion when it comes to my apartments. But with this place, I'm turning into one of those girls and imagining how I want to decorate it. Maybe it's because I feel more connected to this place and could see myself staying for awhile (no more of this moving every 6 months bullshit). I move in a little over a month, and that truly excites me.

Last night I watched one barn burner of a movie at Marilyn's - "Jennifer's Body." Synopsis: a cheerleader gets sacrificed to the devil but the spell backfires, and she becomes a demon that survives by eating boys. Oh, wow. New definition of a man eater. It was very bizarre, let me tell ya. But hanging with Mare is always the best. We were going to babysit our friend's 9-month-old daughter, which sounded absolutely awesome for a Friday night (and I mean that with 0 sarcasm), but she changed her plans. There's that old lady in me - preferring to babysit rather than go out to the bars to get wasted. That's how I roll!

Today is college football day - love it! Almost time for the Oregon vs. Tennessee game on TV, which is pretty much the only activity I can do given my lack of finances until pay day next week. Go Ducks!

Riding Solo

When I first lived alone, I actually Googled what the name of the phobia was for being alone.

Autophobia.

I thought I had that for awhile there. My first time living alone was in the Bay Area - 15 miles south of San Francisco, to be exact. I had a 6-month internship in the Financial District, and since finding a suitable living situation in the city is about as likely as finding substance in a Steven Seagal movie, I opted (thanks to my oh-so-generous parents) to live in an apartment outside the city with a short-term lease.

It was thrilling those first few weeks of the internship - taking BART by myself, dressing up for my first professional job, oogling at the amazing sites of downtown, coming home to my own sanctuary. But then reality set in.

I was truly alone.

About two months into the internship, I stopped sleeping. I'd never had issues in the slumber department before, so this was odd. There were nights where I literally didn't get a wink of sleep. It made for some hellish days at work, that's for sure. It got so bad that I actually begged my dad to come rescue me. I thought him staying over would help, but I still couldn't get to bed. So Dad took me the four-hour trip home to Nevada to catch up on sleep and go see his doctor. I cried almost the entire way there and felt like I was having a nervous breakdown (a week without sleep will do that to you).

And what do you know? Before I even saw the doctor, I stayed the night at my parents' and slept like a baby.

The doc ended up giving me a low-dosage sleeping aid, which was a God send. It got me back on track and eventually I didn't need to take them anymore. I haven't had a problem since.

Looking back, I think the whole living alone - and truly alone because I didn't know a single soul in that town - was what caught up with me. I would look forward to every Friday because it meant the weekend was here. I'd get home, watch the one NetFlix movie I'd gotten in the mail and then pray that Monday would come faster so I'd have human interaction. My romantic relationship had fallen apart, and I no longer spoke with my best friend at that time. It was pure isolation, and it made me realize how severe a punishment solitary confinement must be. I was out of my mind.

Thankfully, my loneliness didn't last long when I moved to Sacramento almost 3 years ago. Now, I've made a life for myself here - I have family, great friends, a job I love and loads of hobbies. And I'm never truly alone, thanks to my cat Cammie. There are plenty of days where I feel lonely and isolated, wishing that someone - anyone - would talk to and acknowledge me. Some days sitting at home watching TV after going to the gym and running my errands is just plain ol' boring. But those moments eventually pass, and I feel happy again.

I bring this all up because I'm embarking on another solo mission next month - living alone once more. I did this a few months ago before moving in with Erica, and now that our lease is up, we're headed our separate ways. I have enjoyed living with Erica, more than I even expected. But I do look forward to having my own place again and keeping it just the way I like. And even though sometimes I feel isolated and sad, I know I'm never really alone, not for long anyway.

Living for More

I'm reading a new book called "Half the Sky," and it's all about women's oppression in third world countries. I felt like a complete asshole when I started to get all worked up over dealing with stupid drama at Les Schwab the other day, only to read a chapter in the book, while in the waiting area, about all these young girls being forced into prostitution in India. Talk about putting things into perspective.

I know being middle class and white in America is a privilege, but realizing how lucky I am really hit me while reading this book. All the problems we have here in our country don't seem as dire as the ones in developing nations, which makes me feel like I don't do nearly enough for this world.

I don't want to live a mediocre life - I want to do something important and be able to look back in 75 years and know that I truly lived. This is why I've begun to question what the hell it is I'm doing and how can I do more. Sure, I volunteer with WEAVE, which gives me so much satisfaction, but somehow it just doesn't seem like enough. I've been reading some blogs by a couple people who are in the Peace Corps. See, these young people are able to go out there and do something important - why can't I?

So my latest goal is to at some point volunteer abroad in one of these countries, either teaching English to young girls or helping with an organization that rescues women from sex trafficking. How fulfilling would that be? In the research I've done so far, some organizations really want American women with degrees to help teach and train these girls. I would LOVE that! Now it's just a matter of finding the right place - and time - for me. I've got more research and reading to do, but this whole idea really has me excited. Especially since this is the time in my life when I need to do this - while I'm single and without kids. I don't want to look back and have regrets.

In other news, I've had a magical weekend so far. My dad was in town so he and I had a father/daughter date night on Friday. We ate filet mignon for dinner and then saw "The Switch," the new Jennifer Aniston/Jason Bateman movie. It was absolutely hilarious and sooooo good! Yesterday he and I got coffee and donuts, and drove around pretty much every neighborhood in Sacramento. He was showing me all of these places where he had memories ("That's where I lived with so-and-so, that's where I rode my motorcycle and escaped a rumble at a bar, that's where I got pulled over for my DUI."). Ahhh, memories. It was fun!

Then my mom came into town yesterday since she's headed to wine country for a trip with her 3 best friends. We chatted until after 1 a.m. last night (favorite quote from her: "I was watching this Dateline episode about albinos. They have pink eyes, you know. Those little freaks!" Oh, and she also said: "I will never do a mud bath at a spa again. What if someone pooed in there!"). We went to breakfast this morning before she headed to the Bay.

Now I've got the whole day to myself to do whatever I want. I'll probably go on a bike ride, since Dad helped inflate my tires and oil up my new ride (free bike from my co-worker - score!). Then it's laundry day, of course, and grocery time too.

As for my tap class update - I am LOVING it! I've definitely improved these last couple weeks, so I think it's all coming back to me. I don't sweat - I rain after every class, so I know I'm busting my ass off. We just learned a new dance to the "Night at the Roxbury" song - "What is Love" (and yes, we do the head bopping thing). It's so much fun! I'm really looking forward to performing.

That's all for now! Off to do my laundry and turn into a 14-year-old with some "One Tree Hill" episodes.

Quitting

Pretty much from when I was a toddler until I was about 10, I had the habit of sucking my left index finger. I loved sucking that damn thing until it was slimey and crinkled. My favorite ritual was laying my Care Bears blanket on an air vent until it was cold, holding onto it next to my cheek and sucking said finger. I was in heaven.

My sister made quite a bit of fun of me for it, and eventually I realized I'd probably need to quit STAT. How was I ever going to be able to attend slumber parties with a gnarly habit like that?

I tried putting a Band-Aid on that finger before bed to deter me. Ripped that shit right off in the middle of the night and went to town. My sister told me about some nail polish that tasted horrible even after it dried, and I considered getting that. But being 9 meant I had little resources to buy such petty items. I concocted an idea to hang a string of yarn from my ceiling over my bed and tie my victim finger to it, but I quickly realized losing blood circulation in my whole left hand wouldn't be easy to sleep through.

I made half-hearted attempts to quit finger sucking and failed. There was even one time I'd convinced myself that I'd stopped and told Robyn so, but she later presented photographic evidence of me asleep on our living room floor, finger lodged in mouth. Thanks a lot for buying the Polaroid camera, Dad.

One day I had an epiphany while reading one of my Babysitter's Little Sister books (a spin-off series from the Babysitters' Club about a 2nd grader named Karen). "If Karen is 2 years younger than I am and doesn't suck her finger, then I sure as hell shouldn't!" I thought. I was sick of the habit. I wanted to quit cold turkey, and finally I had mustered up enough annoyance with myself to actually do it. My index finger and I haven't looked back since.

Now, the reason I bring this up is because it's simple analogies like this that transfer into my adult life. I have one major bad habit that I just haven't been able to quit - I continually put my energy, focus and feelings toward guys who don't feel the same way about me.

Sure, I've had my share of assholes. But my problem runs deeper than that - this isn't about bad guys treating me horribly. This is about good guys just not being into me - and me just not getting it.

I'd like to think that maybe I've just had a string of bad luck, but when I look back on the guys I've dated, there is one common denominator - me. And no, this isn't some low self-esteem issue. I'm plenty happy with myself and don't need/want to change who I am. But I do want to stop moping after guys after they've made it more than clear that they don't feel the same way about me.

Plenty of my friends and family are sick of hearing me whine about this, I'm sure. And try as I might, I fail to follow anyone's advice about seeing things for what they are and not what I want them to be. It reminds me of people who buy those patches when they're trying to quit smoking. It works for a short period of time, but you eventually go back to lighting up. This is how I am with boys - I gather up enough strength to delete their number in my phone, ignore them and even go on dates with other people to get my mind off of things. It works for a couple weeks, but I eventually go back to listening to sad songs on my iPod, writing letters to them that I know I'll never send or shedding a tear or two.

I don't want to do it anymore. I want to continue being happy in my single life (because, quite frankly, I'm very content and lucky in all other aspects of my life). I want to hold out for that guy that is going to call me, allow me to act silly even if it embarasses him in public, verbalizes his feelings, actually loves me. I want a guy who doesn't half ass a relationship or lead me along like a stupid puppy dog just to stroke his ego. I deserve to not be taken for granted, and I deserve to be in a mutual relationship. I look forward to that day when I love someone and he actually decides to love me back. What a concept!

I'm optimistic. Just as people are sick of my bad habit, I too am fed up with myself. I don't want to be like this anymore. I've got that same determination as when I was 10, and I think quitting cold turkey might just work this time. Trust me, no one wants to see me stop being pathetic more than I do. Maybe today I've finally seen the light. Hell, if Karen isn't pining over an unrequited love in her books, then I shouldn't either.