For the record: I am fully aware that being single doesn't mean I have to find someone. I'm fine by myself, but call me crazy, I daydream about love. A lot. I blame Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan movies.
I whipped out my old journals a couple weeks ago and did a little reading.
Guess what I discovered?
1) I dated some douche bags in my day, and 2) I have learned very little in the last few years when it comes to controlling my emotions.
Here I was, thinking my two-year relationship taught me all kinds of lessons and that I would come out of it older and wiser. Nothing could phase me. I was a new and improved Trace - no need to chase boys and get all hot and bothered when I like one. Just focus on me and call it good.
I'm still that same hopeless romantic that gets excited over the littlest of possibilities. I can't "play it cool" (whatever that means) and just let things happen. I think I just need to accept that I'm the kind of girl who is a grown woman yet I still get butterflies and feel 15 again.
This is the problem with dating. Being single leaves this unknown where, theoretically, the next person that you talk to could be your future mate. I know it's ridiculous to think like that, and trust me, it was an awesome feeling to quiet that "partner hunt" part of my brain these last two years. It's a secure feeling to not have to "look" for someone - you're all set, and you don't have to worry about having someone call you, like you, date you, take you out, etc.
With that security gone, I'm thrown back into being 23 again. Oh, and wasn't that a joy the first time around! I hated feeling so vulnerable then - where I felt like any guy that showed an iota of interest in me could single-handedly unravel me. (I know, not very feminist of me. But I couldn't help it!).
Thankfully, I don't give guys that much control over me these days, and I'm pretty sure my douche bag radar is top notch. But there is still that discomfort in being vulnerable again. I want so badly to be calm, cool, collected. Not care. Not let things phase me. But alas - I am a sensitive girl, and following my emotions is how I roll.
Maybe it's not about controlling this part of me, but learning to just roll with it. One of my best girlfriends has always been so supportive of me through the years when I've cried over guys. Instead of telling me to "be strong" and "not let it get to me," she encouraged me to cry it out and feel all of those feelings. It's important to let yourself feel, as uncomfortable as it can be. I guess it just makes me, well, me.
So here I am, trying my best to roll with it. Sure, it consumes so much of my thoughts - to the point where I'm having recurring dreams. And yeah, I've started listening to ridiculous music like "Dream Lover" by Mariah Carey. But hey, that's just me. And one day someone will love the me that I love.