A couple weeks ago, the boyfriend and I called it quits.
Friends and family have been so sweet, asking if I'm OK and checking in on me periodically. You'd think after ending a two-year relationship, I'd be in pretty bad shape.
Maybe it's because I've done this before or because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I'm surprisingly handling it very well. It was hard right after, but I was following my gut, and you can't go wrong with that.
So many times when things have ended for me, I go into a downward spiral where I'm equal parts sad/angry/bitter/jaded. But no matter how many failed relationships/dating experiences I've had, I'm more hopeful and optimistic than ever. I know everything will work out, whether I'm alone or with someone. All of my experiences have led me to this - a place where I know now, more than ever, what I want.
I want a love where I follow my heart, my head and my gut. The trifecta.
The guy I dated a few years ago was a time when I really followed my heart. I felt like I was going to burst at the seams whenever I was around him - I was giddy and hopelessly into him. As pathetic as it sounds, I used to whisper "I love you" to him in the middle of the night when he slept, just so I could get it out and say it. We never exchanged those words, but I desperately wanted to. So naturally, I told him when he was unconscious.
Trouble there was that I didn't follow my gut with this one. My gut told me time and time again he didn't reciprocate my feelings, but I thought over time that would magically change. It didn't.
With my most recent relationship, I opted to follow my head. It made sense for us to be together - we have mutual family/friend connections, grew up in the same area, and he definitely thought I was the bee's knees. He felt about me exactly how I wanted the last guy to feel. So it made sense to be with someone who treated me right and who I could be myself around.
Of course I loved him and feel like we had a good relationship - only thing missing was my heart. My heart was not into it 100%, and that is not fair. He wasn't completely happy, and neither was I. On paper, it made sense for us to be together. But that's not ever a reason to be with someone. So we mutually ended it, which I know was the right thing to do.
I haven't lost hope that the right person is around the corner. I want those butterflies, I want him to feel the same about me, I want us to want the same things, I want us to just "get" each other and feel happy together. And most of all, I want to feel it in my heart, head and gut.