Thursday, April 8, 2010

Dinosaur Next Door

One of my biggest pet peeves is when a way older guy hits on a way younger girl.

There have been times when I've been said younger girl, and I never understood why someone would talk to me considering how young I look in the first place. Hello! The curly hair puts me at about 17.

Well, I was faced with a fun old man encounter this week. The office next to ours is an accounting office, and the owner's son has been helping out with tax season. My co-worker Sofia & I have run into him a couple times (he has a dog with him - who wouldn't stop for that?), and we've chatted politely. I aged him at about early to mid-40s, so I thought he might be a good match up for another co-worker of mine, Laura.

The guy, whom I'll call Dinosaur, came over to our office a couple times to chat with us, and I thought my match-making would work after he asked to join us for happy hour last week when we were celebrating Laura's birthday.

Then the creepiness started to seep out.

He came by one day and lurked into my office.

"Britney Spears!" he exclaimed.

Ummmm, what???

"That's the perfume you're wearing, right? I have this thing where I know women's perfume."

By the way, he said all this in a gay tone (not that there's anything wrong with that, but I don't know why this metro side started to show after already talking to him two times before).

I told him no, I was not wearing Britney Spears. Then I made the mistake of giving him my business card at when he told me he'd forgotten my name. He ended the conversation telling me he was excited to go get drinks - "And I want to sit by you. I know you best." Yikes.

He sauntered off, and I realized then that we had to nip this in the bud STAT. There was no way I was going to let a creeper crash Laura's birthday drinks.

So I went over to his office with Sofia, and we told him, Shucks! Our boss had already made reservations for just our office. He continued to keep a goofy, serial killer-esque grin on his face as he responded with, "OK, which one of you freshened up your perfume? That smell is just intoxicating!" Okaaaaaaaay.

I was off on Friday, and I guess he came in the office asking for me. He asked Laura about my Nevada plates on my car and if I was related to someone else with my last name who's from Nevada. Wait, he knows what car I drive now??

I thought we were out of the woods until he e-mailed me the other day (dammit! I knew passing my card out to any Tom, Dick or Harry was a bad idea). He used the phrase "LOL" about 5 times minimum. Sorry, buddy. Using 'tween lingo doesn't detract from the fact that you are fossilized.

He asked me out for lunch or drinks since his assignment at his dad's office is ending after Tax Day next week (I never thought I'd say this but I LOVE the IRS right now). He ended the e-mail with his cell phone number and the comment "I'm a really good texter....LOL!"

When did it become OK for old geizers to ask out women half their age? Yes, if he were George Clooney, the whole age thing wouldn't matter. But the truth is that Dinosaur is practically twice my age, sexually confused and likely to chop me up and store me in his refrigerator.

At first, I chose not to respond to his e-mail, but after letting it stew for a day, I got pissed. Someone needed to set this mummified mister straight, and it might as well be me.

I was brief, but I told him, "I'm going to have to pass on lunch and drinks. I'm too young for you, my friend!" I thought about being direct and saying instead that he's too old for me, but I figured this got my point across. I'm not going to sugar coat things and give him the ol' "I have a boyfriend" excuse. He needs to know that it's better for him to stick with the ladies at shuffle board matches.

Age aside, before writing him back I decided to Google him. And guess what I found? A civil court case from 8 years ago where he was accused of theft! See, you can't trust many people these days. But thank God for my Nancy Drew skills. It made it easier for me to be direct with him. Oh, and I also found out he's 39. Not in the 40s like I thought, but still! 15 years my senior is still bogus.

I guess he didn't get the e-mail in time because 15 minutes after I sent it, he called my office!!! Thankfully, Laura answered it for me because I was in a meeting. He left me a voicemail asking me if I wanted to walk and get a sandwich with him (I assumed he'd want a prune juice to go with it). Needless to say, I never called back.

I haven't heard from him since, so I think he got the message. Now everytime I go out in the hall to use the bathroom, go to the mailbox or head to the garage, I pretend I'm on my cell phone so I can avoid any sort of conversation. Oh boy, how I'm looking forward to Tax Day.

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