Confessions

I think this week I've eaten a nice slice of humble pie.

For the most part, I've always had pretty good self esteem. My parents have been nothing but 120% supportive of me, and I'm proud of all that I've accomplished in my life thus far.

But sometimes, amid my feeling good about myself, I fail to realize some of my downfalls. Not that I walk around thinking I'm perfect - I will be the first to admit my faults. But there are times when I assume that all of my good qualities somehow make up for my not-so-good qualities or choices. Like being nice, honest and successful is my "Get Out of Jail Free" card in the game of life.

Recently, I upset a dear friend of mine. Instead of approaching the situation with the bottom line (which was, "I'm sorry for hurting you." Period. End.), I went on a whole diatribe to try and justify my actions. Sure, maybe to some what I'd done wasn't the worst thing in the world (i.e. murder, cheating, stealing, hatefulness), but the point is that I hurt someone. And someone's hurt is always justified because I don't ever want to be the reason someone is upset.

This made me look back on myself and the way I've acted toward all of my friends, past and present. I can parade around, naming my good qualities as a friend, but that doesn't make it acceptable for me to do whatever I want when I feel like it. My actions can hurt people, and being good 98% of the time doesn't make that 2% OK.

I was raised Catholic, but I don't really believe in the idea of going to a priest to confess my sins (if anything, I can talk directly to God because he's everywhere, right?) So, here on my precious little blog, I'm going to do my Catholic-roots duty and confess some of my missteps as a friend (dating all the way back to the good ol' days of elementary school). Not that it will matter to anyone, but it's more just so I can get this off my chest and show that I do recognize my mistakes.

• In 2nd grade, I told another girl to put my friend Diana's lunchbox in the girls' bathroom toilet. I lied to the yard duty about it and denied doing it, which technically was true, but I was the mastermind behind it.
• I promised one friend that she would be the first one to spend the night at my house, only to rescind my offer and invite another girl. Then when the first girl's mom called to chew me out, I hung up on her (I was 10).
• I started hanging out with a girl who was new to our 7th grade class and subsequently started ignoring another friend. That friend's mom told my mom that sometimes she wouldn't even want to come to school because she felt so abandoned. Boy, am I a bitch.
• I stole my friend's boyfriend in 8th grade.
• I talked A LOT of crap about my closest friend in high school. She and I were very competitive, and I wouldn't even be happy for her when good things happened to her. I would just feel jealousy and try to demean it. I'm really not proud of this stage of my life. Definitely took a page out of the "Mean Girls" book.
• In college, I messed around with my best friend's ex-boyfriend. She knows about it, but I should have never gone there, even if it had been years since they broke up. Exes are always off limits no matter what. It took me a long time to realize that.
• Nowadays, I'm making missteps in acknowledging my friends' feelings and where they need my support. I always lament about how hard it is to come by good friends. Maybe it's time I lead by example.

There they are - my friend failure confessions. Sure, some of them are reflections of my immaturity and young age. We all mess up and make mistakes. I just need to be more aware of how I'm affecting people and stop with this mentality that the world somehow owes me for my good behavior. Being good doesn't make me entitled to anything. I should always strive for being a good person - not because it means I'll get something at the end of it but because it's the right thing to do.