Saturday, April 30, 2011

Do We Need Closure?

Over yummy burgers and brew with a girlfriend of mine this week (OK, you caught me - a sandwich and water for me!), we talked about reconnecting with ex-boyfriends. She'd recently gone to dinner with one of hers after not seeing him for several years, and given that she's married, this wasn't any sort of rekindling extravaganza.

Funny that she should bring this up because one of my exes reached out to me recently, saying he may be in town this weekend and would love to take me to lunch. I haven't seen his black ass in 3-1/2 years (before you think I'm racist, keep in mind I'm using that as an expression. This dude is as white as they come...although he does have gangsta qualities).

Basically, our saga was that we dated in college on and off, and after I graduated, I tried getting back together with him - even going so far as to express my undying love in a letter - only to be ignored and eventually made aware of his new relationship via MySpace. Cue the ensuing months of dark depression - bouts of crying, listening to sad songs constantly, feeling inconsolable, not wanting to get out of bed. It was a dark time for me, and I lived through all of it again when I recently re-read my journal from that era. I was quite pathetic, and I'm happy to report that I'll never be like that again.

No guy is worth that - especially not this guy! I'd forgotten (or maybe just suppressed) all of the horrible things he said to me. He told me he would never miss me and that I'd probably miss him more. At one point, he told me I was dirty and easy (umm, what?!?) and he made frequent criticisms of my hair and appearance. Oh, not to mention all of the lies he told me throughout the course of our relationship, like his hidden marijuana habit and fake hook ups with other girls that he'd masterminded in order to make me jealous. Oh, and how can I forget that he read my private journal - twice! Real gem and a half.

My friend that met up with her ex said she felt great about it - she was able to get a lot off of her chest, and he even apologized to her for some of the things he'd done. She said it felt like great closure.

So that got me thinking about my ex - is there any closure there that I need?

I realized that no, there are no loose ends there that need tying up. I don't walk around carrying bitterness (because truly - who does that benefit?), but just because all of that stuff happened years ago when we were younger, I don't forget. He's still with that girl he left me for, and while that's great for him, I'm not going to put on some show just to prove how "over it" I am. Being over it to me means that I'm indifferent to him - I don't need to figure anything out with him because all that was needed to figure out was, well, me.

I figured out how to recognize when someone is bad for you. While I don't think he's a bad person, I do believe he wasn't right for me in too many ways to make the relationship worth it. There wasn't even a strong enough foundation there for me to even try to test out a friendship with him. He served his purpose in my life, and now that ship has sailed. It's in the past and no dredging up of old stuff is ever going to benefit me.

So needless to say, I'm not meeting up with him, as tempting as it is, given how great I'm doing! There is that immature part of me that wants to flaunt around how awesome I am, but there's simply no point. I'm sure he knows that I'm a good person and recognizes what he did to me, otherwise he wouldn't be trying to be buddy-buddy with me. My friend asked me if I'd ever want him to apologize to me. You know what? I really don't think I need that. I don't care if he's sorry or not. I've moved on with my life, and I don't need past heartbreak to rock that boat.

So here's to gaining closure on my own! It's such a remarkable feeling, and I'm proud of myself for how far I've come. Honestly, if it weren't for my ex, I might have been just as inconsolable over the next breakup I had with someone. But my skin was thick enough to where I didn't really cry or lament that loss too much. I picked myself up off the ground and closed the door myself!

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