The Bright Side of Ghetto Living

The fantasy of living alone is that you live in this fabulous downtown abode, outfitted with pristine hardwood floors, and you come home to a big glass of expensive wine and go to sleep in a huge canopy bed fit for a princess.

The reality?

You live in a 1970s shitty apartment in the hood, sandwiched between an abandoned elementary school that's been tagged by the Crips and a halfway house for people just getting out of the looney bin. Oh, and there's the questionable "massage parlor" down the street that has "Client List" written all over it. Your carpet is stained with cat vomit, you drink tap water and go to bed on one that sits atop a metal frame from Costco that has wheels on it.

Admittedly, I moved to this apartment to be closer to the now ex-boyfriend. It made sense for other reasons too, of course, like it's 5 minutes from my Grams, 10 minutes to downtown and an easy 20 minutes to both work and my dance class.

But there are times I really wonder why the hell I live here. Exhibit A:

No, this is not a full moon. This is a glimpse of my neighbor that apparently doesn't believe in belts or thinks it's 1995 when sagging was cool.

Exhibit B: My landlord called the other day to tell me Henry the maintenance man would be removing some rotted wood from my balcony. I come home to this:

As in - the entire balcony was gone, and Henry left this ridiculous sign.

Despite all of these quirks, I have to admit that these last couple months of singledom have allowed me to appreciate my ghetto apartment. Some highlights:

• I have been belting out songs to my cat. Crazy cat lady status.
• I'm officially obsessed with "Damages" on NetFlix. So sitting on my ass watching it is all the companionship I need.
• My bed may be janky, but it's all mine. Oh, and Cammie's too.
• The old-lady-chain-smoking-neighbor smell can easily be remedied with a couple Bath & Body Works candles and a Scentsy.
• My bedroom walls aren't shared with anyone, so neighbor sex noises are not an issue.
• Guest parking is a cinch - you'd be hard pressed to stupidly park your friend's car in the wrong place only to have it towed to Rio Linda (I may know something or two about that).
• With my neighbors, there's never a dull moment. Ever.

Bitches Get Stitches

You know your week is going to blow when it begins with a trip to the ER.

That was the scene that played out a couple Mondays ago. I was hastily slicing an avocado for my lunch when I went to stab the pit to take it out. Things didn't go quite as planned because the knife slipped and made a lovely laceration on my hand and wouldn't stop gushing blood.

Eff.

I slightly freaked out because I wasn't sure if this was worth a $250 ER visit. I quickly decided it was after observing the gaping hole and noticing I could see through it to the other side of my hand (practically).

I headed to the ER, which was thankfully pretty abandoned. Heaven forbid my pathetic wound would supersede someone with an actual life-threatening emergency.

The doc patched me up with some liquid stitches and sent me on my way. "But wait," I said, "Don't I need a bandage on it or something?" He told me it wasn't necessary, but if I wanted one, he'd put one on. "Umm, yes sir. I need this to look like a legit wound when I go back to work." I'm pretty sure when I recounted my story of cutting an avocado incorrectly, people would not at all take this wound seriously anyway.

And thus was the beginning of my week.

The rest of the week continued to shit on me, but mostly in little ways that just compounded. The highlight of the week was when I made the ridiculous decision to join an online dating site at the encouragement of a couple co-workers.

For the record, I did online dating a few years ago, and it sucked. It only lasted a couple weeks, but in that time I met a boring guy and then a mean guy, and I experienced a whole new kind of rejection - the virtual kind that comes in a higher volume than real life and is strictly a result of people only seeing your best 5 photos. It's brutal out there.

So, I decided to lower my expectations even more and make a profile so I could potentially meet some people to hang with. I've got a lot of free Friday nights in my horizon.

Within a few hours of me creating my profile, I received 3 messages. The least creepy of the bunch seemed harmless, so I responded with your run-of-the-mill small talk - what are you up to tonight, what do you do for work, etc.

This character, Grey (who, BT-dubs, was nothing like Christian Grey) got a little over-excited when I said I did PR and that I have a cat. I should have had better sense, but I was at my girlfriend's house drinking wine, so I accepted his offer to move from messaging to texting.

Big mistake.

Grey proceeded to send photo after photo after photo of himself (PG stuff, thankfully), but it's like, did I request 12 pictures of your creepy mug? No. His final photo was of his chest (and moobs). Aaaaand, I'm out.

When I didn't respond, he asked if I still wanted to talk. I tried to nicely tell him no, but I guess I didn't get my point across. He said he'd like to talk tomorrow but if I didn't want to, just tell him so I don't "waste his time." OK, fine by me. I flat out said I didn't want to talk anymore.

And here was the response I got, a whole 22 minutes into our first conversation:

First of all, how dare he not use proper punctuation when cussing me out?

Second, I'd rather re-live my avocado stabbing fiasco 17 times before ever talking to this fine gent again. Bummer. Looks like I really missed out on a gem. Ahhh, single life. How I've missed you!

My online dating profile has since been deleted after being live less than 24 hours.

 

It's Just Emotions, Taking Me Over

For the record: I am fully aware that being single doesn't mean I have to find someone. I'm fine by myself, but call me crazy, I daydream about love. A lot. I blame Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan movies.

I whipped out my old journals a couple weeks ago and did a little reading.

Guess what I discovered?

1) I dated some douche bags in my day, and 2) I have learned very little in the last few years when it comes to controlling my emotions.

Here I was, thinking my two-year relationship taught me all kinds of lessons and that I would come out of it older and wiser. Nothing could phase me. I was a new and improved Trace - no need to chase boys and get all hot and bothered when I like one. Just focus on me and call it good.

Nope.

I'm still that same hopeless romantic that gets excited over the littlest of possibilities. I can't "play it cool" (whatever that means) and just let things happen. I think I just need to accept that I'm the kind of girl who is a grown woman yet I still get butterflies and feel 15 again.

This is the problem with dating. Being single leaves this unknown where, theoretically, the next person that you talk to could be your future mate. I know it's ridiculous to think like that, and trust me, it was an awesome feeling to quiet that "partner hunt" part of my brain these last two years. It's a secure feeling to not have to "look" for someone - you're all set, and you don't have to worry about having someone call you, like you, date you, take you out, etc.

With that security gone, I'm thrown back into being 23 again. Oh, and wasn't that a joy the first time around! I hated feeling so vulnerable then - where I felt like any guy that showed an iota of interest in me could single-handedly unravel me. (I know, not very feminist of me. But I couldn't help it!).

Thankfully, I don't give guys that much control over me these days, and I'm pretty sure my douche bag radar is top notch. But there is still that discomfort in being vulnerable again. I want so badly to be calm, cool, collected. Not care. Not let things phase me. But alas - I am a sensitive girl, and following my emotions is how I roll.

Maybe it's not about controlling this part of me, but learning to just roll with it. One of my best girlfriends has always been so supportive of me through the years when I've cried over guys. Instead of telling me to "be strong" and "not let it get to me," she encouraged me to cry it out and feel all of those feelings. It's important to let yourself feel, as uncomfortable as it can be. I guess it just makes me, well, me.

So here I am, trying my best to roll with it. Sure, it consumes so much of my thoughts - to the point where I'm having recurring dreams. And yeah, I've started listening to ridiculous music like "Dream Lover" by Mariah Carey. But hey, that's just me. And one day someone will love the me that I love.

The Trifecta

A couple weeks ago, the boyfriend and I called it quits.

Friends and family have been so sweet, asking if I'm OK and checking in on me periodically. You'd think after ending a two-year relationship, I'd be in pretty bad shape.

Maybe it's because I've done this before or because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I'm surprisingly handling it very well. It was hard right after, but I was following my gut, and you can't go wrong with that.

So many times when things have ended for me, I go into a downward spiral where I'm equal parts sad/angry/bitter/jaded. But no matter how many failed relationships/dating experiences I've had, I'm more hopeful and optimistic than ever. I know everything will work out, whether I'm alone or with someone. All of my experiences have led me to this - a place where I know now, more than ever, what I want.

I want a love where I follow my heart, my head and my gut. The trifecta.

The guy I dated a few years ago was a time when I really followed my heart. I felt like I was going to burst at the seams whenever I was around him - I was giddy and hopelessly into him. As pathetic as it sounds, I used to whisper "I love you" to him in the middle of the night when he slept, just so I could get it out and say it. We never exchanged those words, but I desperately wanted to. So naturally, I told him when he was unconscious.

Trouble there was that I didn't follow my gut with this one. My gut told me time and time again he didn't reciprocate my feelings, but I thought over time that would magically change. It didn't.

With my most recent relationship, I opted to follow my head. It made sense for us to be together - we have mutual family/friend connections, grew up in the same area, and he definitely thought I was the bee's knees. He felt about me exactly how I wanted the last guy to feel. So it made sense to be with someone who treated me right and who I could be myself around.

Of course I loved him and feel like we had a good relationship - only thing missing was my heart. My heart was not into it 100%, and that is not fair. He wasn't completely happy, and neither was I. On paper, it made sense for us to be together. But that's not ever a reason to be with someone. So we mutually ended it, which I know was the right thing to do.

I haven't lost hope that the right person is around the corner. I want those butterflies, I want him to feel the same about me, I want us to want the same things, I want us to just "get" each other and feel happy together. And most of all, I want to feel it in my heart, head and gut.

From Scared to Lost

It's been just over a month now at the new job, and I've got a confession: this change was a lot harder than I expected.

I went from a small firm of 7 to a medium office of 20 to a large corporation of 2,000+ people. On top of that, I'm learning all about the corporate structure - something that is so complex that I don't even know what the entire Marketing department does. And I work in the Marketing department.

Overwhelming doesn't even begin to describe it.

But in the spirit of optimism, there is a plus side. For once, I'm not scared. I notice a confidence in myself that I haven't always had. I think it might have always been there, but my last job was a place that stifled a lot my self-confidence. Always second guessing myself, I used to stress over every interaction with co-workers, the wording of every email, every harmless joke I tried to make. I never felt good enough, and worst of all - I never felt like myself.

At my new job, I'm completely me - quirky, ideosyncratic, dorky me. And I'm more comfortable in a month at the new place than I was in a year and a half at the old place. It's refreshing and a big sigh of relief.

Nothing is ever black and white, though. Although I'm not scared, I'm feeling as lost as ever. Confused most days and utterly overwhelmed. I know learning is all part of growing professionally, but I'm incredibly impatient. I want to feel comfortable already! Oh, the waiting game.

One other thing to get used to at corporate life: corporate germs! I'm currently on my second cold since starting. Not exactly digging my phlegmy voice and snotting all over my co-workers, but I haven't accrued sick time unfortunately. Thankfully, an icky cold means I'm off the hook for going to the gym! And I don't have to feel guilty about it. Instead, I'm relaxing in my pajamas with a bowl of cereal, curled up next to my kitty watching "Pretty Little Liars" on NetFlix because I'm 13. Not too shabby for a Tuesday night!

Embracing the Honeymoon

Ahh, being new.

Starting a new job is like the first day of middle school all over again - you have the perfect outfit picked out, you look around shyly, not quite sure of what to do or where things are, and you feel self conscious carrying your lunch tray across the cafeteria, frightened that you'll trip on the heels that go with said perfect outfit.

This held true for my first day at the new job yesterday - I really did get to carry a tray (my work has two on-site cafes....ummm, yeah, it's pretty freakin' sweet). I met tons of new folks, heard all kinds of new acronyms that I couldn't keep straight and had one heck of time learning how to do simple things like printing and finding the bathroom. My new work is huge, so it is going to take a lot of time for me to get used to it. I went from working at a 6-person agency to working for a 16-person agency to now being on a campus that houses thousands of employees. Intimidating? Yes. Exciting? Absolutely. There's nothing like a new chapter.

While newness is exciting - new co-workers, fresh start on projects, new office supplies, a change in routine - I find myself anxious to get through these next 6-12 months. I'd love to skip over all of the awkwardness, mistakes, blanking on names and cluelessness that comes with being new. I can't wait until I'm an expert, when I know the business and have a clear vision of what I'm doing.

This is similar to how I viewed my budding relationship with Ty. See, most people are all about the honeymoon phase. It's that time when everything is seemingly perfect, and you're so thrilled to keep learning new things about the other person. Don't get me wrong, the new part of my relationship with Ty was wonderful, but I remember thinking, "I can't wait until we've been together 1, 2, 5 years." Because that's where the realness is - you're relaxed, you've (hopefully) worked out most of the kinks and you don't feel so vulnerable like everything will go away at the drop of a hat. It's stability. It's comfortable.

So in that same way, I can't wait to be at ease at the new job. I like feeling like I know what I'm doing, rather than this strange floating-around-the-universe-aimlessly feeling I have when I begin something new. Thankfully, I'm working for a company that supports that gradual process - that first year of growing pains before you truly start working.

So until that mark when I finally feel comfortable, I guess I'll have to basque in the newness and honeymoon phase of the job. On the bright side - being a newbie means you get to screw up and not feel (as) guilty!

On a side note: the usual first-week-on-the-job awkwardness got kicked up a notch today when I was part of a meeting with - guess who? - my old co-workers. There's no feeling quite like the one when you introduce yourself with something like, "I'm Tracy. This is my second day. Previously I was with you guys. One week ago." Particularly when this past employer is feeling a bit bruised about your recent jumping ship. Oy.

Two days down. 178 to go.

Mind Full vs. Mindful

I'm back!

It's been forever since I've last written, and I've really missed it.

Frankly, I've had so much to say but couldn't get it from pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, rather). I know we all use the excuse "I've been so busy" pretty frequently, but how long does it really take for me to write a blog post? I'm hoping to be more back in action given some new developments.

Here's a recap of the latest:

The Career Front
In a little more than a week, I will be starting a new job! This is a pretty significant change in anyone's life, but surprisingly I've been feeling quite calm about it. I'm leaving the PR agency world and headed to the corporate life (also known as "in house" to us PR folk). I'll be joining a global eyecare company's amazing PR team, where I'll have the chance to manage projects of my own, media train C-level executives and assist in the company's philanthropic efforts. This shift from food to healthcare is an exciting one, as well as the change from having multiple clients to just working on "one" client (my company). Of course food and nutrition is fun, but I feel like this new job will allow to me to work on things with a bit more substance. Not to mention, my new employer is regularly voted one of the top places to work - it's truly an employee-centric place, so I'm excited to see how it all pans out! I have yet to mentally prepare for the job (since I'm currently still wrapping up my old one), but I took office supply preparation into my own hands yesterday. I bought some new pens and a work planner notebook - and yes, I'm aware the new job will probably have this kind of stuff on hand. But I'm a pen snob, and I geek out in Staples.

While this new move is exciting, there are always drawbacks. I'm sad to leave co-workers and place the burden of extra work on them. That's the by-product of this that I hate the most. I've also faced some awkwardness at work since I've given my notice. Some co-workers have expressed (not to me directly) that they think I'm just leaving because I wasn't promoted last fall. The bulk of my office was fairly shocked when I gave my notice, most likely due to the fact that I'm pretty cheery and haven't overtly expressed any issues with the agency (to their faces, at least). Oh, and not to mention I won the freakin' Team Player of the Year Award last month (don't even ask how my Catholic guilt is managing that one). Well, if that's the sentiment of some, then that's pretty short sighted. I would not uproot my career all because of some petty title change. Trust me, it goes way deeper.

I'm making the change because I want to do more than just survive at work. I'm always just trying to keep my head above water and hustle through the day. It leaves very little time for mindful, strategic thought. It's just one big to-do list. So I'm hoping this new adventure allows me to be more mindful, rather than just having a mind full of tasks to get done that day.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt I'm getting a fat raise too!

The Love Front
Ty and I are doing incredibly well. It's been just over a year and a half that we've been together, and I feel like it just keeps getting better. It's pretty smooth sailing all the time, minus little annoyances here and there (and not just me - I know how to bug too!). We're in a really good place right now where we are comfortable together and we've worked out a lot of the kinks. Sure, there are some things on the horizon that we'll have to figure out (like how will we live together one day when he hates rent, is allergic to my cat and I want to live somewhere with just us two). The future is not written yet, but I have a feeling it has a good ending! He still completely appreciates and cherishes me (and vice versa), and that is priceless to me. All in all, I'm one happy lady.

The Health Front
I'm sure I've written before how I have this irrational fear of throwing up (it's called emetophobia - Google it). Well, last week I came face to face with it when I found myself stuck with a stomach bug. Ty got really sick right before Christmas, and it freaked me out (yes, I realize how selfish it is for me to worry about myself and not my own boyfriend in his time of need, but like I said, it's called an irrational fear for a reason). Last week, Ty took me out to a show as part of my Christmas present. We saw a Chinese dance show at the convention center downtown, and three-quarters of the way through, I just didn't feel right. I felt it was an imminent certainty that I would vomit all over the sweet old man next to me. Thankfully, I held it in. Once we got back from the show, I ran to the bathroom. I won't go into all the details, but let's just say I didn't end up throwing up - just the dry heaves (ewwwww). But it was awful, to say the least. And in a way I wish it had just been the real deal so I could get over my fear. On the plus side, I feel I've conquered it at least partly. But don't think I'm giving up my hand sanitizer.

I'm hoping I'll make more time to blog once I start the new job. I have absolutely no clue what to expect, but for some reason, I'm not too worried about it. I know that everything will work itself out. I've worked hard to get this far, so it's only fair that luck will follow.